Category Archives: Christmas

The 2020 Christmas song…

Yes, I know it’s only November but we’ve just thrown the country into another lockdown so I thought is might be a good idea to cheer everyone up with a jolly little ditty penned, as usual, by my good friend Chas C.

It’s an infectious little tune with some catchy lyrics that could go viral with the right exposure…

No more chuggers on the street
Don’t have to be nice to the people I meet
No more musak in the shops
No more crap on Top of the Pops
No more presents round the Christmas tree
Isolation really works for me
No party food on paper plates
Lock the door, let’s celebrate

‘cos it’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year I don’t have to go away
To avoid my relatives on Christmas day
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year it’ll be you and me
We even got away with Halloween

No more stepping round the mistletoe
Sending cards to people we don’t even know
No more enforced jollity
In places we don’t to be
Peace on earth
It works for me
Goodwill to men is such a fallacy
Put my feet up, crack a beer
The peace I craved has come this year

‘cos it’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No plastic Santa on the back of a lorry
Trying to part from my lolly
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
Santa isn’t coming here
Now that’s what I call Christmas cheer

Lock the door and douse the lights
I’m not going out tonight
If carol singers breach the rules
I’ll shop to the cops, the fools
Let’s stay safe, let’s stay home
Let’s lock up and sod ‘em all
If they’re knocking. We’re not in
They know where they can stick their begging tin

It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No more singing Auld Lang Syne
Sitting pretty, feeling fine
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No more plastic Christmas tree
On our own and feeling free
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year it’ll be you and me
Now that’s what I call Christmas cheer

The Christmas Song 2019

Yes, it’s that time of year again where my Good friend Chas Crane and I get together to murder a favourite song, preferable festive but we can bend anything!

This year, we’ve decided to warp a bit of Aerosmith. Enjoy…

Also, it’s only fair to give the bugger a plug for his Christmas album, available on Spotify, iTunes, Amazon, Google Play and all the usual shit streaming sites…

cover 2019 xmas album.jpg

Silly old sod!

So the pope reckons that the story of the nativity can be likened to that of the millions of economic migrants streaming out of Africa and the East looking to exploit the naive generosity of Europe, especially the UK.

Well it’s a shame the silly old bugger doesn’t know his own holy book. I seem to remember that far from fleeing their homes for a better life, Mary & Joseph were returning to their home for a census.

The pope also reckons that faith demands that we respect and welcome migrants. It’s a shame then that the migrants refuse to respect Christian faith and that in the shit holes than some of these people come from they crucify infidels, behead them and burn them alive. Mind you, some of us recall tales of Bloody Mary and the Spanish inquisition, so I don’t think the catholics have much to boast about on that score.

And let’s remember that the Vatican is one of the richest organisations on the planet so I’d like to ask popey how many of these poor migrants they’ve housed? How much money have you given to help them in their own countries? I think we know the answer…

So on this Christmas morning, here’s my message to the pope : “Sod off you silly old bugger!”

The 2017 Christmas Song

It’s a tradition that every year I get together with my Good friend Chas C and produce a Christmas song, so this year we’ve murdered “The Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty McColl.

Here it is in all it’s glory with a video by my good self…

Sleeping Beauty

Personally, I love a good story. In fact there’s nothing quite like a fairy tale with a happy ending to instil the spirit of the festive season.

Unless, of course, you’re a kill joy and total arsehole like Sarah Hall from North Shields who rather stupidly claims that Sleeping Beauty sends an ‘inappropriate sexual’ message to young children and insists that her school bans it. She says the story is irresponsible because it teaches children it is acceptable to kiss women while they are asleep. Apparently it’s all about sexual behaviour and consent. It’s just not appropriate in these enlightened times.

I expect the next victim will be Cinderella with it’s inappropriate sexual stereotyping and gender roles. FFS!

Anyhow, you might be interested in the original version of the story as written by Giambattista Basile in the 17th century, entitled “Sun, Moon, and Talia”:

Talia, the daughter of a lord, falls into a deep slumber after pricking her finger on a magical splinter. The lord cannot bear the thought of burying his beloved daughter and decides to leave her to rest in one of his estates.

One day a king is led into the estate and is enchanted by Talia’s beauty. He tries to wake her, but after failing to do so, he carries her to a bed and has sex with her while she sleeps.

The king then leaves Talia, who falls pregnant and gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl, all while still asleep.

She only awakes when one of her children mistakenly sucks the magical splinter out of her finger.

I think it’s important to maintain the historical accuracy of these old stories, so I can’t wait for the panto season…