I hate to have to mention it – especially as we have yet to even get as far as Halloween – but the dreaded Christmas is approaching.
The other day I was walking home from the theatre past one of our local hostelries that had a big sign outside saying “It’s never too early! Book your Christmas party now!” Then the local chip wrappings were pushed through the door containing several Christmas catalog inserts that went straight into the bin.
And to add insult to injury, I’m getting emails from grocery stores on a daily basis urging me to book my slot now for Christmas grocery deliveries.
October is, of course, the time of year when the books, DVDs and CDs all come out. You know, those compilation albums of artists like Elvis Presley put together to milk the back catalog for every penny it’s worth. And the endless stream of celeb autobiographies written by people about whom, frankly, you either couldn’t give a fuck or of whom you’ve never heard. And all because they’re the perfect gift for your ageing Mum and Dad – who hate them and sell them on eBay in January…
Anyhow, this year my mate Chas and I couldn’t see any reason not to jump on the bandwagon. For several years now we’ve been collaborating on the Dioclese Christmas Song and – guess what? – there’s enough for an alternative Christmas album just for people who fucking hate the festive season.
It’s guaranteed to offend absolutely everybody who loves Christmas music. Should sell like hot cakes. We uploaded it this morning so watch out for it on Amazon and iTunes etc or stream it on Spotify. Should appear during the coming week with any luck.
After all, everyone else cashes in, so why shouldn’t we?..
Yes, it’s that time of year again. There’s fuck all worth watching on tellie tonight because Pudsey is back…
Now, I know you are going to think that anyone who says that a charity appeal that raises so much for needy cheeldren should be taken off the air just because it’s a load of purile, talentless shite is a fucking miserable bastard, but frankly I don’t give a shit!
BBC Children in Need is just phase one of the charity barrage that signals the start of the Christmas onslaught in earnest. The chuggers are coming, and woe betide you if you tell them to bugger off!
And this year it will be even worse – because we have all those poor unaccompanied ‘refugee children’ like the one in the above picture lurking across the water in France. And we have to help them, don’t we? Well, actually, no we don’t.
Fuck ’em. Let them eat cake. Let them in and their families will miraculously appear to join them and bring even more extremist bomb makers to our shores.
And fuck the BBC’s Children in Need too for condoning them and forcing my grandchildren to dress up in school and be brainwashed into raising money for this load of old bollocks. That’s what really makes me angry! No wonder they grow up to be multicultural, politically correct snowflakes with no grasp of what’s really going on in the world.
I’m not tight fisted. I’m not miserable. But if standing my ground and telling them to shove their appeal up where the sun don’t shine makes a cunt, then I plead guilty…
To be perfectly honest, I fucking hate Halloween. It’s another crappy American import designed to seperate adults from their cash using the pester power of their kids.
I hate it even more because around here our street is being taken over by US airforce personnel from the two nearby airbases. It’s like a fucking ghetto. Streets full of bloody great gas guzzlers. Being woken at 5:30am when they fuck off to work. It’s a nightmare and it’s not going to get any better while the locals are priced out of the rental market by the mighty dollar!
But that’s not the only reason I hate Halloween. I hate it because it’s the start of the enforced jollity and piss up season. You know – that period where we use the run up to christmas as an excuse to do fuck all.
It’s Bonfire Night next that runs for a week and now gets prolonged by diwali. Then the yanks jump in again with their Thankgiving piss ups. What the fuck are they giving thanks for? Perhaps that they’re here not in their own shit country?
And have you tried getting a meal in restaurant between now and christmas? No fucking chance! All full of office parties. And then, just when you think it’s all coming to an end there’s the week long christmas when we all pretend to like each before going back to hating each others guts after yet another piss up and bang bangs on new years eve.
Yes, that’s why I hate Halloween. I wish the yanks would fuck off home and take their airbases and retailfests with them!
Oh, well. I suppose it’s better than a Christmas jumper…?
I thought my daughter would appreciate the artistic qualities of this kit for her kid, but I’ve been asked to return it…