Category Archives: Christmas

The 2017 Christmas Song

It’s a tradition that every year I get together with my Good friend Chas C and produce a Christmas song, so this year we’ve murdered “The Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty McColl.

Here it is in all it’s glory with a video by my good self…

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Sleeping Beauty

Personally, I love a good story. In fact there’s nothing quite like a fairy tale with a happy ending to instil the spirit of the festive season.

Unless, of course, you’re a kill joy and total arsehole like Sarah Hall from North Shields who rather stupidly claims that Sleeping Beauty sends an ‘inappropriate sexual’ message to young children and insists that her school bans it. She says the story is irresponsible because it teaches children it is acceptable to kiss women while they are asleep. Apparently it’s all about sexual behaviour and consent. It’s just not appropriate in these enlightened times.

I expect the next victim will be Cinderella with it’s inappropriate sexual stereotyping and gender roles. FFS!

Anyhow, you might be interested in the original version of the story as written by Giambattista Basile in the 17th century, entitled “Sun, Moon, and Talia”:

Talia, the daughter of a lord, falls into a deep slumber after pricking her finger on a magical splinter. The lord cannot bear the thought of burying his beloved daughter and decides to leave her to rest in one of his estates.

One day a king is led into the estate and is enchanted by Talia’s beauty. He tries to wake her, but after failing to do so, he carries her to a bed and has sex with her while she sleeps.

The king then leaves Talia, who falls pregnant and gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl, all while still asleep.

She only awakes when one of her children mistakenly sucks the magical splinter out of her finger.

I think it’s important to maintain the historical accuracy of these old stories, so I can’t wait for the panto season…

Our wonderful Christmas Fayre

A Smalltown Man post…

Yes it’s Christmas time again, the time of year when we celebrate by holding our annual Christmas Fayre on Thanksgiving Day. After all, we do have a lot of USAF service men here and we wouldn’t want to upset them.

It was four whole days of merriment last year and, of course, here in Smalltown everything is a resounding success. Failure and mediocrity are simply not tolerated. We’re so lucky to live here!

Last year nobody complained about Santa’s penguins so this year we’ve done it again. And the stalls were all a great success just like the year before, so we’ve done all that again as well. In fact, we’ve done everything again just like last year. If it isn’t broke, then why fix it? At least we know what we’re getting!

But hang on a minute! What can we do in these times of council spending cuts and austerity to make it all just a little bit different? I know! Let’s have a ginormous fireworks display to kick it all off! In fact, let’s make it even better than the one we had a fortnight ago that the public had to pay for on November 5th. Actually, it was jolly good free public display. Did I say free? Well, free to the people from outside town whose council tax wasn’t used to pay for it…

As for us locals, well we can admire the nice new anti-terrorist barriers and the shiny guns of the armed policemen. And we get to drive through town by exciting new routes because all the roads are closed off. Never mind! At least there’s peace and quiet as we batten down the hatches and stay indoors for the next four days contemplating all that lovely online spending for Black Friday and lock ourselves away safe from all the tin rattling chuggers.

Hang on a mo – did I say quiet? I can hear the fairground music from here. Quick! Turn the telly up!

Christmas? Bah! Humbug!..

The ‘C’ word…

I hate to have to mention it – especially as we have yet to even get as far as Halloween – but the dreaded Christmas is approaching.

The other day I was walking home from the theatre past one of our local hostelries that had a big sign outside saying “It’s never too early! Book your Christmas party now!” Then the local chip wrappings were pushed through the door containing several Christmas catalog inserts that went straight into the bin.

And to add insult to injury, I’m getting emails from grocery stores on a daily basis urging me to book my slot now for Christmas grocery deliveries.

October is, of course, the time of year when the books, DVDs and CDs all come out. You know, those compilation albums of artists like Elvis Presley put together to milk the back catalog for every penny it’s worth. And the endless stream of celeb autobiographies written by people about whom, frankly, you either couldn’t give a fuck or of whom you’ve never heard. And all because they’re the perfect gift for your ageing Mum and Dad – who hate them and sell them on eBay in January…

Anyhow, this year my mate Chas and I couldn’t see any reason not to jump on the bandwagon. For several years now we’ve been collaborating on the Dioclese Christmas Song and – guess what? – there’s enough for an alternative Christmas album just for people who fucking hate the festive season.

It’s guaranteed to offend absolutely everybody who loves Christmas music. Should sell like hot cakes. We uploaded it this morning so watch out for it on Amazon and iTunes etc or stream it on Spotify. Should appear during the coming week with any luck.

After all, everyone else cashes in, so why shouldn’t we?..

Children in Need

cm10_terry_wogan.jpg / Children In Need
Yes, it’s that time of year again. There’s fuck all worth watching on tellie tonight because Pudsey is back…

Now, I know you are going to think that anyone who says that a charity appeal that raises so much for needy cheeldren should be taken off the air just because it’s a load of purile, talentless¬†shite is a fucking miserable bastard, but frankly I don’t give a shit!

BBC Children in Need is just phase one of the charity barrage that signals the start of the Christmas onslaught in earnest. The chuggers are coming, and woe betide you if you tell them to bugger off!

And this year it will be even worse – because we have all those poor unaccompanied ‘refugee children’ like the one in the above picture lurking across the water in France. And we have to help them, don’t we? Well, actually, no we don’t.

Fuck ’em. Let them eat cake. Let them in and their families will miraculously appear to join them and bring even more extremist bomb makers to our shores.

And fuck the BBC’s Children in Need too for condoning them and forcing my grandchildren to dress up in school and be brainwashed into raising money for this load of old bollocks. That’s what really makes me angry! No wonder they grow up to be multicultural, politically correct snowflakes with no grasp of what’s really going on in the world.

I’m not tight fisted. I’m not miserable.¬†But if standing my ground and telling them to shove their appeal up where the sun don’t shine makes a cunt, then I plead guilty…