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September bloody September


I bloody hate September – and not for the normal reasons like the nights closing in and temperatures dropping. I can handle those by buggering off to Greece or Italy or some other warmer place once the kids are back to school…

No. I hate September because I have two ageing cars respectively 17 years old (mine) and the other 23 years old belonging to Mrs D. The problem is that both MOT tests come up in September.

When we came here 11 years ago this month and moved into the town centre we knew we didn’t really need two cars but with the age they’re at they were worth more to us than any money we could get for them so we formulated a plan. We’d wait for one to fail it’s MOT and scrap, then sell the other and buy one nice new shiny one. It was a good plan which has failed spectacularly because the buggers keep passing.

This year mine scraped through the emissions test, bang on the red line! I’m told the cat is going but then they told me that last year too. This year they said it likely needs a good blast up the motorway to just blow the crap out of it. Having just given it a 500 mile round trip round the M25, M4 and M5 I don’t find this reassuring so I’m expecting a nice big bill to come around sooner rather than later.

So that leaves the other motor. It’s MOT is on the 19th. Three years back the clutch went as I drove out of the car park at Gatwick. No warning, just pedal to the floor. I drove it home without a clutch and figured if it cost £500 and lasted two years, I’d break even so I got it done. Good decision, but then it failed needing £60 worth of welding last time so I got that done too. It’s a good car even thought it’s getting on a bit.

So here we are again, MOT time. I’ve decided to sell mine whatever. If her’s passes then we’ll carry on running it. If it fails then we need to hastily find a new car and, let’s face it, they’re all crap and it’s a bloody minefield.

So do me a favour, and keep your fingers crossed for me on the 19th…

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Unlucky for some…

It’s possible today that the labour leadership may be struck down by triskaidekaphobia. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s the fear of the number 13…

Today the Labour party has hit that hapless number over it’s pledge to hike corporation tax to 26 per cent in order to fund schools and grants to college students. Quite apart from the fact that he promised the Federation of Small Businesses he wouldn’t do it and that it will hit investment in Britain when we need it the most after Brexit, Corbyn’s shambolic team has already made no less than 12 other promises that are funded by the same tax increase.

Now every housewife in the country will know from balancing the household budget that you can’t spend money twice, never mind thirteen times. And as a former accountant, even at my most creative moments I failed to a way in which to spend money that I hadn’t got.

Still, it sounds good, doesn’t it? Raise taxes on the greedy rich bastards and use it to fund better education, smaller class sizes and abolish tuition fees. A good soundbite until you hand over to your Shadow Education Secretary to explain the policy.

Following a car crash interview with Diane Abbott on policing, Nick Ferrari has scored another goal with Shadow Education Secretary, Angela Rayner. Labour is promising to keep class sizes for five-to-seven year-olds below 30, while almost £5billion extra would be pumped into the English school system by 2022.

Ferrari asked her “whether she knew how many children would be affected by the class size pledge”. She responded: ‘There’s quite a substantial amount of pupils that are affected. I haven’t got the numbers on me to hand, but it is quite a substantial amount of children that are in class sizes that are over 30.’

Pushed by Ferrari on whether it would be 50 children or five million, Ms Rayner could only reply: ‘It’s a significant number. I’m not going to pluck a number out of thin air.” Frankly that does make a change for a Labour frontbencher.

Ferrari continued: ‘Do you not think it would be a good idea to have a sense of how many people you’re talking about? You are the Shadow Education Secretary. One of your key pledges is to try to reduce class sizes… I’m asking you how many this will affect and all you can tell me is it is a substantial number?’

Ferrari said that he knew the policy would affect 520,445 primary school pupils in England because he ‘did the research’. ‘Do you not think you ought to have had that number?’ he asked.

Quite…

Operation desert storm

You might have gathered from the lack of posting that I’m on holiday. Actually I am in Namibia writing this on cheapo tablet so excuse the typos!

I’m sat in a bar in Sussuvlei in the Namib desert drinking free beer. It’s free because we are stuck in a sand storm and they can’t fly us out so we are royally buggered for now.

So, we lay back and think of England and enjoy the free booze!

Sand storms are a cunt!..

Get ’em by balls…

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So Theresa May gives her first full interview on Sky News. To be fair, May has never been famous for giving much away to interviewers. She has been described as the hardest PM to interview since Atlee, so although Sophy Ridge did her best, it’s not surprising that May stood firm and gave little away.

Much has been spouted by her political opponents about hard and soft Brexit and lack of stated government policy. May was pretty scathing about her predecessor – especially concerning his total lack of preparation for a leave vote. The point is that Cameron was so arrogant that a leave vote was unthinkable, so no need to plan.

Whilst all this going on, the then Home Secretary was doing a John Major who famously developed political tooth ache during Thatcher’s final hours and then knifed her in the back. May was keeping her powder dry and avoiding Cameron’s pressure to declare her position as his position which it now seems it never was?

Her position is now becoming clearer. She believes that control over immigration and law outweighs membership of the single market. I believe she is right. We will still sell to the EU without being a member because it is in both parties interests for this to happen.

This is the so called ‘cake and eat it’ option. Brussels says it won’t happen but May just might pull it off. She’s an accomplished politician and no what you think of her, she’s nobody’s fool. As Spiro Agnew once famously said ‘When you have them by the balls, then the head and the heart follow!’ so never mind grabbing them by the pussy, grab ’em by the balls.

Ironically the person with the most balls appears to be a woman. Brexit? Bring it on and watch the woman play hardball…

The year of the prat

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The new year is upon us again. Gawd help us!..

Last night the bloody fireworks here started just before 6pm. FFS you can’t even eat your bloody dinner in peace. Still at least now 2016 is over, people might stop moaning about it? Fat chance!

All this reflection led me to ask what the Chinese year is. Apparently 2016 was the year of the monkey. 2017 is the rooster – and in case you’re wondering it starts on the 28th of January. It’s based on the phases of the moon in case you’re still wondering. No? Well, never mind…

Personally I reckon 2016 was the year of the prat. Cameron and Osborne shooting themselves in the foot. Corbyn pretending he can lead Labour. Fallon…well say no more! Zac Goldsmith losing his seat through terminal arrogance. Millions of people voting the wrong way because they didn’t know what they were voting for. Wee Kranky Sturgeon believing that Scotland can stay in EU when it was never in it in the first place.

Frankly there were some seriously deluded fools to the fore in 2016…

So what about 2017? Well here’s my predictions. Naturally most of them will be wrong :

Article 50 will be evoked in March – followed by the immediate announcement of a May general election. Labour will be decimated, UKIP will get several seats including one for Farage. The Tories will be returned with a huge majority.

The Turks will get piased off with the EU and vice versa and open the flood gates to immigrants. As a result the French will elect Le Pen and Germany will get shot of Merkel. There will be a vote on Frexit.

Debts will come home to roost in the ECB and the Euro will collapse. Greece will leave tbe common currency and reintroduce the Drachma. Global financial markets will react badly and there’ll be another global crisis. Interest rates will rise. Snowflakes will bleat. Idiots will blame Brexit. I’ll be busy counting my extra income, so sod ’em all!

Russia and America will go all buddy buddy, team up and blow the hell out of IS. About bloody time too. Trump will introduce trade tariffs to make home grown goods more attractive and that will spark off a trade war with China, who will then dump all their cheap tat on Europe instead. EU economies will suffer accordingly.

This time next year the world could well be very different. It might even be the second consecutive year of the prat. Frankly that’s almost a certain bet…