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Operation desert storm

You might have gathered from the lack of posting that I’m on holiday. Actually I am in Namibia writing this on cheapo tablet so excuse the typos!

I’m sat in a bar in Sussuvlei in the Namib desert drinking free beer. It’s free because we are stuck in a sand storm and they can’t fly us out so we are royally buggered for now.

So, we lay back and think of England and enjoy the free booze!

Sand storms are a cunt!..

Get ’em by balls…


So Theresa May gives her first full interview on Sky News. To be fair, May has never been famous for giving much away to interviewers. She has been described as the hardest PM to interview since Atlee, so although Sophy Ridge did her best, it’s not surprising that May stood firm and gave little away.

Much has been spouted by her political opponents about hard and soft Brexit and lack of stated government policy. May was pretty scathing about her predecessor – especially concerning his total lack of preparation for a leave vote. The point is that Cameron was so arrogant that a leave vote was unthinkable, so no need to plan.

Whilst all this going on, the then Home Secretary was doing a John Major who famously developed political tooth ache during Thatcher’s final hours and then knifed her in the back. May was keeping her powder dry and avoiding Cameron’s pressure to declare her position as his position which it now seems it never was?

Her position is now becoming clearer. She believes that control over immigration and law outweighs membership of the single market. I believe she is right. We will still sell to the EU without being a member because it is in both parties interests for this to happen.

This is the so called ‘cake and eat it’ option. Brussels says it won’t happen but May just might pull it off. She’s an accomplished politician and no what you think of her, she’s nobody’s fool. As Spiro Agnew once famously said ‘When you have them by the balls, then the head and the heart follow!’ so never mind grabbing them by the pussy, grab ’em by the balls.

Ironically the person with the most balls appears to be a woman. Brexit? Bring it on and watch the woman play hardball…

The year of the prat

The new year is upon us again. Gawd help us!..

Last night the bloody fireworks here started just before 6pm. FFS you can’t even eat your bloody dinner in peace. Still at least now 2016 is over, people might stop moaning about it? Fat chance!

All this reflection led me to ask what the Chinese year is. Apparently 2016 was the year of the monkey. 2017 is the rooster – and in case you’re wondering it starts on the 28th of January. It’s based on the phases of the moon in case you’re still wondering. No? Well, never mind…

Personally I reckon 2016 was the year of the prat. Cameron and Osborne shooting themselves in the foot. Corbyn pretending he can lead Labour. Fallon…well say no more! Zac Goldsmith losing his seat through terminal arrogance. Millions of people voting the wrong way because they didn’t know what they were voting for. Wee Kranky Sturgeon believing that Scotland can stay in EU when it was never in it in the first place.

Frankly there were some seriously deluded fools to the fore in 2016…

So what about 2017? Well here’s my predictions. Naturally most of them will be wrong :

Article 50 will be evoked in March – followed by the immediate announcement of a May general election. Labour will be decimated, UKIP will get several seats including one for Farage. The Tories will be returned with a huge majority.

The Turks will get piased off with the EU and vice versa and open the flood gates to immigrants. As a result the French will elect Le Pen and Germany will get shot of Merkel. There will be a vote on Frexit.

Debts will come home to roost in the ECB and the Euro will collapse. Greece will leave tbe common currency and reintroduce the Drachma. Global financial markets will react badly and there’ll be another global crisis. Interest rates will rise. Snowflakes will bleat. Idiots will blame Brexit. I’ll be busy counting my extra income, so sod ’em all!

Russia and America will go all buddy buddy, team up and blow the hell out of IS. About bloody time too. Trump will introduce trade tariffs to make home grown goods more attractive and that will spark off a trade war with China, who will then dump all their cheap tat on Europe instead. EU economies will suffer accordingly.

This time next year the world could well be very different. It might even be the second consecutive year of the prat. Frankly that’s almost a certain bet…

The Dioclese 2016 Christmas Song

So here it is – Merry Bloody Christmas Everybody – a really irritating song by Slade that’s been played every bloody year since 1973 given the the Chas C / Dioclese treatment

After all, it’s become traditional that we do this every year and we really wouldn’t want to let our public down, would we?



Well, here’s a storm in a bean can! The Advertising Standardz Authority has banned an advert from Heinz on the grounds of health and safety. FFS! Seems that some namby-pamby dogooder complained that someone might cut their finger on the can…

Another example of the nanny state gone mad? Well, it seems that Heinz have form for this sort of stuff. Here’s a remake of the Psycho shower scene using Heinz Ketchup that they banned…

Well, bad taste shurely but so what? Anyway, just to prove that Heinz are a bunch of wankerz, take a look at this one…

On the other hand, Heinz got more publicity from getting this banned than if it had been shown – plus they don’t have to pay the TV companies to put it on. So maybe, Heinz ain’t such cuntz after all!