Category Archives: Uncategorized

Don’t get John Lewis to install your appliance…

Screen Shot 2019-07-27 at 11.02.59
Friday morning I had a jobsworth come to install a dishwasher for me and take the old one away. It’s a Miele replacing a Miele that we’ve had for 13 years. The fucking jobsworth took one look at it and started off…

“It’s integrated”
“Yep. That’s what it says on the order and the jobsheet isn’t it”

“The door’s not straight”
“That’s the one coming off not the one you’re fitting”

“It’s hard wired to the wall socket. I’ll have to ring the boss and see if I’m allowed to do”
“No sweat. I’ll do it”

“You can’t. We have to do the whole job”
“The boss says I can do it, but there’s no isolator valve on the water feed”
“Yes there is. You turn that with a screwdriver”

“I can’t get a screwdriver on it”
“Would you like to borrow mine”

“I can’t do the job because it’s non standard plumbing”
“What’s non standard about it?”

“The isolator should be a proper tap otherwise I can’t do it”
“But there’s a fucking great big tap on the main feed just next to it”

“But if I rupture the joint then you’ll have no water”
“Yes I will. I use the isolator valve and a screwdriver”

“I can’t risk that. The joint might rupture when I take the hose off”
…..two minutes later….
“I’ve taken the hose off myself”

“But I can’t put the new one on”
“Install everything else and I’ll connect it”

“Can’t do that. We have to do the whole job and test it all”

….two minutes later after cutting the power cord…
“I’ve disconnected the power lead and the water hose. Bring the new one in and take the old one away”

“Just leave the old one by the gate and we’ll arrange collection later”
“No. I paid for installation and disposal – so dispose”

…out goes the old one, in comes the new one in a box…
“That’s it. We’re off”
“No. Unpack the new one so we can inspect it and take the packaging away with you”

“We don’t so that. You have to dispose of it yourself”
“Read your jobsheet”

“OK. We’ll take the packaging then!”

… installers fuck off having dumped new dishwasher, uninstalled, in the middle of the kitchen floor…
…four hours later, the new dishwasher is installed and working fine. There are no ruptured plumbing joints, no leaks and the power is hard wired. Yes it was a bugger, but I’m not a professional doing it every day for a living!

Interpretation :
We’re on job and finish. It’s integrated which is a pain. It’s Miele. That’s a pain. It’s Friday. Fuck this. Let’s find lots of excuses to fuck off, go to the next job and bugger off early for the weekend.”

John Lewis – who used to employ their own fitters – now outsource the job. The outsourcers appear to be a bunch of useless cunts. Well done, John Lewis. Good decision if want to piss off your customers.

We’ve lodged a complaint. I’ve had the £90 installation charge refunded but that’s hardly the point is it?…


Mystic Mavis and Sir Bojo

(The Westmonster Chronicles – part 3...)
And so Mavis did fall on her sword whilst many of her former backers did defect left and right to other factions. And she was forced from her palace into the blighted realms of the Backbench Wastes. But it was not her fault, for it never was.

Meanwhile, in the land of the Eurocrats, King Drunker was deposed in a coup by Queen Ursula the Liar of the Teutonics. And there was much muttering and dissent from Drunkers senators, none of which mattered for Queen was honourably endorsed by a vote with but one option. But it was enough to quell the masses, for they mattered not either.

And in the fight back home, Sir Bojo did carry the day and was mightily popular with the people although plots against him were being hatched even as he ascended to power.

“For I am the Dude” he did declare. “and I will deliver my people to freedom from the evil empire or die trying. For this is my battle cry…


( to be continued..)

Our next PM

Tory.jpg.galleryIt’s the big question of the moment – who will make the least worse PM to replace the worst PM since Snotgobbler Brown? Will it be the Blonde or the Bland?

Sad to say that I have come to the conclusion that the Conservative Party is incapable of running a piss up in a brewery. They can’t even run their own internal leadership election, so what hope is there of them running the country?

First there is the fiasco that they can’t even issue the ballot papers properly. I was tempted to return both of mine but then thought better of it on principle. They’ve no idea who they sent multiple ballots to but they did write and ask. Anyhow, I returned mine two days before, according to the Tories, they have even been sent out.

Then there’s the incessant begging letters. Along with my ballot paper came yet another. Just tick the box to make a contribution to keep Corbyn out of number 10. £25, £50, £100, £250, £500, £2500. FFS! £2500!?! Who the fuck are they kidding? And exactly how will this money defeat Corbyn…

Then there’s the leadership hustings. There are two on the 13th I applied for weeks ago. Until today I had no idea where in my region they were being held. Security doncha know? Turns out the Colchester one is being held near Maldon. That’s a 75 minute drive each way for me. I decided to register my displeasure by leaving my seat empty as a protest.

They did ask for questions that we might like to ask the candidates, presumably so they can censor out the ones that they don’t like and make sure the blonde and the bland have their answers ready. What a farce. I did think of submitting something reasonable and then when called upon to read it, ask something completely different, i never was very sporting when it comes to politics. I like to play them at their own game.

But the piece de resistance came today in the latest missive from Branden Useless Lewis the party Charlatan – sorry, Chairman. Damned autocorrect! It’s the candidates’ address for the hustings.

Quote Boris : “As recent polling shows, I am best placed to deliver a majority for the Conservatives at a General Election”

Quote Hunt : “Poll after poll shows I am the candidate who is best placed to beat Corbyn, attracting the voters we need to win.”

So there you have it. The polls prove conclusively that both candidates are the best. So I guess you do a Trump (no pun intended) and vote for one you dislike least. My vote has gone to Boris. He might turn out to be useless but he seems to be the least worst choice.

As for Hunt, I can best paraphrase a comment once made about Michael Howard – “There’s something of the shite about him”…

The Two Jerrys

Two Jerrys

Do you really want a couple of comedians running your country?

The Mass Debate

Just finished watching the Brussels Broadcasting Corporation tory leadership debate which, I have to say went pretty much as I expected.

Faced with the usual leftie political bias one has come to expect from Auntie, poor old Boris was pretty much sidelined by adjudicator Emily Maitless other than when he was asked about muslim letterboxes, journalists imprisoned in Iran or tax cuts for the rich, all famously misquoted, misrepresented and on the whole totally irrelevant to the question being asked.

Wisely, Boris kept quiet whilst the others engaged in squabbling and brawling amongst themselves. All credit to him, even more so since every time he tried to make a positive point, Maitless talked over him and cut him off.

It was also unsurprising that the man who got the most airtime and was allowed to rant away to his hearts content was the guy on the end of the row who bore a surprising resemblance to Woody out of Toy Story. “Vote for me. Altogether now – You’ve got a friend in me!!

A most inedifying spectacle which did nothing to inspire confidence in our politicians or the media.

Rory Stewart, Prime Minister. More of the same. Son of May, but more of an arsehole than a mouthpiece.

God help us…