A Tory loses the plot…


Who? Fair question. I’m talking about Paul Bristow, the Conservative candidate for the upcoming Peterborough bye election. So why has he lost the plot?

Well firstly, he’s obviously a bit deluded. After all, their last MP was a Labour jailbird and their candidate this time is a trades unionist, and he believes that he’s the only candidate that could possibly beat Labour. So he’s completely ignoring the Brexit Party in a heavily leave voting constituency.

Secondly, yesterday morning as an admittedly somewhat pissed off member of the Tory Party – after all they did throw me out of a constuency AGM for daring to criticise the sitting MP – I received an email from Bristow asking for my support. I thought this a little odd as I don’t live anywhere near Peterborough. He was begging for money. Click this link “to donate £5, £10, £25, any larger amount” so I felt honour bound to reply.

I replied “You have a nerve considering I live in xxx.
If you think it will be close, you’re deluded.
I won’t help because you’re going to get slaughtered by the Brexit Party for which frankly you can blame your esteemed leader in the Number 10 Fuhrer bunker .
No deal is better than a bad deal.”

That evening I got a system reply that the mailbox does not receive incoming messages. So in a staggering display of arrogance, I am being told that I am important enough to send him money whilst at the same time being told I am not important enough to be allowed to express my opinion.

A true example of democracy in action – and that’s why Paul Bristow is a twat…

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The Brexit Blues

I’ve not done a video for a while so when my good mate Chas C produced this piece of music I thought “Why not?”

Problem is that there is so much content on the web ridiculing the entire protracted farce that it was difficult deciding what to leave out!

Mystic Mavis and the Magic Grandpa


Once upon a time in a country not so far away, there was a remarkable woman called Mystic Mavis who could read the minds of people and foresee the future.

And it came to pass that the people were unhappy and so the Mighty Camoron, leader of the people, went forth to King Junker of the Eurocrats saying “You are a great King but there is a great populist uprising against us. I will ask the people, for the people should have a vote on this important matter and they will see that we are safer, stronger and better off under your wise countenance.” And lo, the people did vote and said “Let us be free again!” and expelled Camoron from the Kingdom

And the people loved Mavis so much that they begged her to be their leader and free them from the rule of the evil EuroCrats who had tied them into penal servitude and suppressed the people for many years, for Mavis was strong and stable. So Mavis called a poll to give her great powers to deliver freedom the people desired

But Mavis’ powers had failed her, for she did not see the coming of the Magic Grandpa. For Magic Granda was able to pluck cash from a magic money tree and did make many promises to the people to buy their support.

And the people were stupid and did not know what they were voting for and Mavis did lose control and become weak and wobbly. And many deserted her council, being sceptic of her leadership and promises.

But Mavis worried not for she saw a great future ahead and produced a deal to free the people from their servitude. But Magic Grandpa could see that if he and his followers resisted then he could wrest power from Mavis and lead the people back to their servitude whilst blaming her for the failure.

And so it came to pass that the deal was rejected three times and Mavis sat down with Grandpa to produce a compromise. This infuriated all their followers but Mavis saw a chance to blame Grandpa for the failure and keep control over the people. For she had foreseen that great fears would grip the nation, pestilence and disasters would befall them if they left the cradle of the EuroCrats. She must get her deal approved at all costs!

And as time passed, the people did get become increasing unrestful and did rise up against Mavis and Grandpa, ejecting their officials from office all across the land.

And from the chaos and confusion a new leader did emerge – Sir Nigel of Widdecombe – and he did annunciate that the people must be freed from treachery and despotism.

And Mavis and Grandpa did tremble!

( to be continued… )

When all else fails…

Two things have struck me this week. Firstly the incredibly stupid ban on culling crows and similar birds that are pests, and secondly the last ditch desperation of our lame duck Prime Minister. There seem to me to be similarities between the two.

This morning it was revealed that May is so pissed off with her own lack of leadership and authority that she has resulted to threats to cull her own party’s membership. Members are being told that “Campaigning for or endorsement of any other political party is incompatible with membership of the party.” It goes on to say “The board will not hesitate to enforce these rules.”

Well I have a message for their hapless Chairman, Brandon Lewis, who is perpetuating this nonsense and that’s a great big “Fuck you” for hammering another nail into the joint coffins of the Tory Party and British democracy. There’s one thing I know about the British psyche, and that’s if you want to turn someone against you, then the quickest way to do it is to threaten them.

Of course is been obvious for some time that the Stalinist handbook has guided number ten. Uncle Joe knew that there’s nothing like a purge to cull the opposition. It started at Chequers when Boris and Davies were manoeuvred into intolerable positions, backed up by the childish threat that anyone who resigned while there would have their ministerial cars immediately withdrawn and they could walk home. Hardly an example of mature leadership, but it got shot of them.

Then there was the public humiliation of Dominic Raab – publicly demoted behind his back while attending a select committee.

Unlike Chris Packham, May believes there’s nothing like a good cull to rid yourself of pests. But just like Packham she’s not thought through the consequences of those actions…

Halloween Four, The Body in the Extension

Yes, you really can buy a Mavis May latex Halloween horror mask online. Ironically, they’re priced in Euro…

What can I say about last night’s debacle? Well, sing along to the tune of “Any dream will do”…

I closed my eyes, and knew for certain
That my plan was working, that I’d force it through
And while back home the plebs were sleeping
And the country’s weeping
Any deal will do

I wore my coat, my cosy blue one
The one I always wear for my photo calls
And in the east, as the news was breaking
I heard the leavers quaking
Any deal will do

I’ll bully you, I’ll wear you down
Although my deal’s a crock of shite
I won’t resign, I know I’m right
Though I’m all alone

May will return to the beginning
As the light is dimming, and the dream is too
A referendum, a customs umion
She’ll just keep asking
Any deal will do

Perhaps I can get Chas to record it. Should go a bomb on YouTube…