It’s nice, is ice…

upthorpe-lodges-news-ice-rinkA Small Town Man post…

Christmas is a-coming and the geese are getting fat, but this year here in Smalltown we’re going to be missing one essential ingredient from the festive jollity – we’re not getting our ice rink! Oh dear!

What could have gone wrong? Every year we have an ice rink in the shopping centre, specially installed so that the local residents can enjoy the fun of watching other residents fall on their bums. It’s all a great laugh and such a jolly jape. Trouble is that it seems there’s no money for it this year – which is odd considering that our Smalltown Opportunities for Business head honcho, Mark Tyme, has spent the entire year telling us what a boom town we’re living in and how well off we are.

He commented “Unfortunately last year the weather was just too nice and the ice melted. Ticket sales were down and the company we used to set it all up went bust! We’ve found an alternative but they just want too much money! We expect to get it all sorted out for next year though!”

So in the meantime, the only ice we’ll be getting this Christmas will be in our G&T on Christmas morning.

We’re so lucky to live here…

The clown or the crook?

With just a few weeks to go until the almighty US of A selects its new President, I’m forced to ask how, in a huge country like the States, these two cunts were the best they could come up with…

Neither candidate is, as far I can see, even remotely suited to occupy the position of arguably the most powerful person on the planet. On one hand you have a New York bruiser and on the other a patronising smug faced bitch.

Trump seems to have based his entire campaign on appealing to the working class voter. His approach seems to be that he wants them to believe that low paid illegal immigrants are taking the food from their babies’ mouth. Elect him and he’ll put a stop to it. He’s the champion of the downtrodden poor American. Pretty rich coming from a billionaire!

Then there’s Killary who, by all accounts is a nasty piece of work! I had to laugh the other day when as a result of the unrelenting media persecution of Trump, someone described CNN as the Clinton News Network. That about sums it up.

Clinton has thrown the kitchen sink at Trump. The women who have suddenly crawled out of the woodwork have been fascinating. The wife of a President who used his position to shove his cigar up a White House intern’s fanny should learn to put her own house in order first. Convenient isn’t it how these women waited all these years before speaking out?

The stage management has been interesting too. I loved that in their third and final debate Clinton dressed in white. Pure Hollywod western stuff – bad guy in the black hat, good guy in the white hat. Pathetic!

I despair of Britisn politics sometimes, but I’m glad that we don’t have to put up with protracted bullshit of the American system and I sincerely we never will.

So if I was a betting man who would I put my money on. Well, on balance I think Trump will get it. I think there’s a lot of people out there who won’t admit they support him but who will put their cross on his box on the day – if only because they’re sick to death of the establishment and think he’ll do something to shake it up. Plus they don’t want a woman President from yet another political dynasty!

But Trump should remember what happened to JFK when he tried to stir things up …

93 Men in a Boat [66] – The Jolly Waiter

happy-nerd1There’s nothing quite like a jolly waiter to enhance your enjoyment at meal time. We’ve had a good few over the years and as well tend to sail quite often with the same company, we’ve gotten to know a lot of them well.

The food’s rather good as a rule. We place our order. “Excellent choice” comes the rejoinder. In fact it turns out none of us is capable of making any choice that is anything less than excellent. This goes on for several days at every meal. Time for some fun!

“Tonight I would like the most excellent starter, the excellent soup followed by some excellent lamb and excellent roasted potatoes!” His stride is not broken : “Excellent choice!” he booms.

Well, I’m not that easily defeated. The chef says he’s open to special dietary requirements so next evening I request rat burger in a stale bun topped with seagull droppings. “Brown or black rat?” he enquires. “Oh definitely the brown” I reply and guess what? “Excellent choice, sir!”

Oh well. There’s only one thing for it. “And another large glass of your excellent sauvignon please…”

Get the message!

As you will have guessed by now, I’ve been on holiday for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been in the Med looking for little rubber boats to sink off the coast of Sicily. To be honest I saw no sign of any so we sailed north round Sardinia, across to Minorca, Gibraltar and ended up in Madeira. Europe is now well and truly behind us and we’re home again.

We missed the excitement of UKIP meps battering each other, the incompetence of the Labour leadership election and the Tory conference. All of this was rather nice to be honest…

So this week’s excitement would appear to be Theresa May’s first full EU council meeting as Prime Minister on the 20th. This should prove interesting on a number of fronts. Firstly the Merkels and Junckers of this world really don’t seem to have grasped that we’re leaving. Merkel seems convinced she can force us to accept free movement – on which point she seems clearly deluded – whereas Juncker seems to have totally lost interest in the whole business.

Meanwhile Donald Tusk is telling us that the only alternative to ‘hard Brexit’ is ‘no Brexit’ so he can go and get stuffed for a start. And the EU grandees seem to be asking what May is doing to persuade the UK to change its mind. The answer to this is, of course, fuck all! What planet are these people on?

And then back home we have Nick Clegg saying he’ll do everything he can to subvert the will of the lectorate by using his little rump (pun intended) in Parliament to prevent us leaving. He doesn’t seem to have got the message that he got decimated at the last election because people realised that the Limp Dumps really don’t have any workable policies, so why the hell does he think anyone gives a toss what he thinks now?

Then there’s the mistaken premise that the Fourth reich can treat May like Cameron and that she’ll just sit there and suck it all up. You would have thought by now they’d have realised this is a different animal.

They seem to think that if they procrastinate long enough then we’ll back down. Maybe they can even force a second referendum? After all, it’s worked before. Just keep stalling long enough until you wear down the opposition…

May needs to use this meeting to set them straight. Do a Thatcher and give the buggers a damn good handbagging! I’ve often asked where Maggie was when we need her. Well maybe this week we’ll find out.

I sincerely hope so…

Get stuffed Schultz…!

So President of the European Parliament, Martin Schultz, says that Jo Cox was murdered as a direct result of the EU Referendum campaign.

Now is it just me that finds that plain insulting coming from a unelected official who lords it over the MEPs that we elected? Is it just me that finds it surprising that his comments were made during a lecture he was giving to the London School of Economics about Brexit?

This came as Mr Schulz also said that Britain will, under no circumstances, be able to secure a deal that allows the country to retain access to the single market without accepting free movement.

Well, Herr Schitz, you have no right to come to our country and pontificate to us about how we were responsible for the death of one of our MPs because the plain and simple fact is that Jo Cox was brutally murdered by a right wing neo nazi nut case. Linking a fruitcake like that to the cause of EU federalism is precisely the sort of thing that led us to vote Leave in the first place.

And as regards the single market, grasp this principle : You don’t have to be part of the single European market in order to trade with it so get your facts straight. The USA and China trade quite satisfactorily with the EU and they’re not in the single market so what’s the difference?

He added that the UK needs a united EU to achieve a good Brexit deal and that a disunited EU stance on Brexit could mean that there is “no agreement between the EU and Britain”. Well, wrong again Herr Schitz! We don’t need your agreement to leave your club. When we’re out, we’re out and if you want to stick your head up your arse and deny the simple fact you sell us a damn site more than we sell you, that’s absolutely fine by us. It’s your problem.

You can bang on about free movement as much as you like, but we’re not having it. The British people are sick and tired of having their island swamped by uncontrolled immigration brought about by the policies of the EU. If Europeans want to come here and work, that’s fine. Get a visa like the rest of the world has to.

And at least then we can refuse to give you one and you can fuck off back where you came from because, frankly, we’re no longer interested in your opinion…