The 2017 Christmas Song

It’s a tradition that every year I get together with my Good friend Chas C and produce a Christmas song, so this year we’ve murdered “The Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty McColl.

Here it is in all it’s glory with a video by my good self…


Sleeping Beauty

Personally, I love a good story. In fact there’s nothing quite like a fairy tale with a happy ending to instil the spirit of the festive season.

Unless, of course, you’re a kill joy and total arsehole like Sarah Hall from North Shields who rather stupidly claims that Sleeping Beauty sends an ‘inappropriate sexual’ message to young children and insists that her school bans it. She says the story is irresponsible because it teaches children it is acceptable to kiss women while they are asleep. Apparently it’s all about sexual behaviour and consent. It’s just not appropriate in these enlightened times.

I expect the next victim will be Cinderella with it’s inappropriate sexual stereotyping and gender roles. FFS!

Anyhow, you might be interested in the original version of the story as written by Giambattista Basile in the 17th century, entitled “Sun, Moon, and Talia”:

Talia, the daughter of a lord, falls into a deep slumber after pricking her finger on a magical splinter. The lord cannot bear the thought of burying his beloved daughter and decides to leave her to rest in one of his estates.

One day a king is led into the estate and is enchanted by Talia’s beauty. He tries to wake her, but after failing to do so, he carries her to a bed and has sex with her while she sleeps.

The king then leaves Talia, who falls pregnant and gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl, all while still asleep.

She only awakes when one of her children mistakenly sucks the magical splinter out of her finger.

I think it’s important to maintain the historical accuracy of these old stories, so I can’t wait for the panto season…

Our wonderful Christmas Fayre

A Smalltown Man post…

Yes it’s Christmas time again, the time of year when we celebrate by holding our annual Christmas Fayre on Thanksgiving Day. After all, we do have a lot of USAF service men here and we wouldn’t want to upset them.

It was four whole days of merriment last year and, of course, here in Smalltown everything is a resounding success. Failure and mediocrity are simply not tolerated. We’re so lucky to live here!

Last year nobody complained about Santa’s penguins so this year we’ve done it again. And the stalls were all a great success just like the year before, so we’ve done all that again as well. In fact, we’ve done everything again just like last year. If it isn’t broke, then why fix it? At least we know what we’re getting!

But hang on a minute! What can we do in these times of council spending cuts and austerity to make it all just a little bit different? I know! Let’s have a ginormous fireworks display to kick it all off! In fact, let’s make it even better than the one we had a fortnight ago that the public had to pay for on November 5th. Actually, it was jolly good free public display. Did I say free? Well, free to the people from outside town whose council tax wasn’t used to pay for it…

As for us locals, well we can admire the nice new anti-terrorist barriers and the shiny guns of the armed policemen. And we get to drive through town by exciting new routes because all the roads are closed off. Never mind! At least there’s peace and quiet as we batten down the hatches and stay indoors for the next four days contemplating all that lovely online spending for Black Friday and lock ourselves away safe from all the tin rattling chuggers.

Hang on a mo – did I say quiet? I can hear the fairground music from here. Quick! Turn the telly up!

Christmas? Bah! Humbug!..

Pudsey time…

knitted rudolp

knitted chugger cunt

Yes it’s time to welcome the Prince of Chuggers, the legalised Robin Hood of BBC TV, the cunt of cunts – Pudsey the fucking bear!

Every year the Beeb roll out their pre-Christmas ‘charitee’ bash to raise millions from gormless pricks who donate money to watch the mind bogglingly tedious load of absolute shite that is Children in Need.

When my wife was deserted by her ex and left with a 18 month old child they were definitely in need. Nobody gave them fuck all for nothing and she had to work her arse off in some totally shitty jobs to put food on the table. That’s life. If you can’t support your kids, you shouldn’t be a parent – but then why bother when cunts like Pudsey give you money for fuck all – after deducting expenses of course.

I was once stopped going into work by a bloke with a bucket who said I couldn’t go in until I give Pudsey some of my hard earned. He needed to borrow that fucking eye bandage shortly afterwards…

Fuck Pudsey. Fuck Children in Need. Fuck the BBC. Put some decent programmes on, you lazy parasitic cunts!

Thankfully this year I small reclining on a sun lounger somewhere nice and warn so I shall miss the entire vomit inducing shitfest but I do wish that something would drop on Pudsey from a great height and rid us of the little turd!


Definition of ‘High Treason’ : “The crime of betraying one’s country”

A few days ago, former Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg, Tory ex-chancellor Ken Clarke and Labour’s Lord Adonis arrived in Brussels, and publicly declared themselves “the rebels” before holding talks with the European Commission’s chief negotiator Michel Barnier.

Asked if he was there to stop Brexit, Mr Clegg said: “If only it were that easy.” An evasive answer to say the least coming from someone who has just published a book entitled “How to Stop Brexit”. Given the gang of three witches’ well know opposition to the the freely expressed will of the British electorate and official Government policy it’s not hard to guess how their discussions went. It’s also interesting to note that no record has been kept of the conversation.

So were their discussions tantamount to selling this country down the river to a foreign power?

Downing Street were muted in their response, saying only that the discussion “undermined the Government’s negotiating position on Brexit“. I’ll go further and say that if the gang of three were indeed advising Mr Barnier on how to stop Brexit, then it does amount to betraying your country, trying to bring down the elected government and defying the will of the people as expressed in a democratically conducted referendum.

As such they should be indicted, tried and face the consequences for what could clearly be construed as an act of high treason…