The Christmas Song 2019

Yes, it’s that time of year again where my Good friend Chas Crane and I get together to murder a favourite song, preferable festive but we can bend anything!

This year, we’ve decided to warp a bit of Aerosmith. Enjoy…

Also, it’s only fair to give the bugger a plug for his Christmas album, available on Spotify, iTunes, Amazon, Google Play and all the usual shit streaming sites…

cover 2019 xmas album.jpg

Bojo’s new deal

The Westmonster Chronicles – part 9…

And Bojo did attend the Great Conflagration in the Eurocrat capital and returned with a Great Settlement Deal allowing Britain to escape the evil empire on Halloween. And with great pride and pomp and circumstance he did take it to the Senate and said unto them “This is a great deal. It will free us from the clutches of the Empire. It will allow us to go forth in the world as a great power and masters of our own destiny. I commend it you!!!”

And the Senators did look at the deal and said with a great voice “Humbug! This is the same deal as Mystic Mavis did present.” And Sir Doddery of the Paddies did speak saying “Thou hast sold us down the river, thou arsehole. We shall never agree!”

And Magic Grandpa did say “Bojo hast taken Mavis’ deal and made it worse. I oppose it with every bone in my body, even though I do not understand it.”

And up stepped Sir Oliver the Halfwit. “I shall lay down an amendment” he says. “You must pass the legislation before us for scrutiny before we agree to your deal and you shall ask the Eurocrats to let us remain whilst it is done.” And Bojo did call upon him to withdraw, but he refuseth causing great consternation and anger.

And so the deal was refused and Sir Halfwit’s amendment passed, and Bojo was forced to request a delay saying “I am forced to ask for a delay I do not want and will not support and sod the lot of them and the horses they rode in on.” (Didn’t he say that before?)

“I shall try and try and try again for this is great deal!” And Sir Nigel of Widdecombe did address the people saying “This deal is a bad deal. It is the Mavis deal. It is false and duplicitous. It is a non deal and I shall fight it with all my might. And Bojo didst reply “Humbug!” for Bojo listeneth not and speaketh much…

And Dame Jo the Swindler cared not, for she would insist that the people were asked and if they agreeth not with her then she would ignore them, for she was a true democrat.

And the Queen of Scots careth not either and all she wanted was power for herself and independence for the Scots under the rule of the Eurocrats, even thought that was not independence at all.

And so Bojo didst soldier on. “I shall persever and I shall triumph. I shall keep asking the same question until there is agreement. I shall win.”

“Nessum dorma!” he said to himself. Over and over again. And again. And again – for Bojo was a great scholar and loved the classics…

(…to be continued)

Bojo gets tough…

The Westmonster Chronicles – part 8…

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And so it came to pass that the senators did reassemble for it was important that the Great Withdrawal was discussed openly in the chamber. But it didst not happen as all they did was to hurl insults at Bojo for sending them away. And Bojo was cross. Very cross. Very, very cross indeed…

But he was not moved. “I shall do it again next week” he said, “and sod the lot of you and the horses that you rode in on!” And he did call his cohorts together and promise them that the Great Withdrawal would be done by Halloween, do or die for this was the wish of the people and the will of people is sovereign.

And Bojo did make a new offer to the Eurocrats, saying “This is my best and final and you shall take it or leave it” and didst heavily slap it down on the table of King Drunker.

But the Eurocrats were not moved by his offer and Prince Varadkar of the Paddies dismissed it out of hand, before he even read it. And he did tell Bojo that his people did not wish to leave and that Bojo was denying them their right to stay in the Empire, even though the polls showed that two thirds of them wanted the Withdrawal done. And Bojo didst reply “Humbug!”

So it came to pass that the Eurocrats decided to play hardball, saying they would not even talk about it until they had returned from their country estates and a hard earned weekend break of wine, women and frivolity. Especially the ‘wine’ bit.

So Bojo did convene is advisors, especially Dominic the Terrible and did come up with a new approach. He would be nice the senators, tho’ it would stick in his craw, and be nasty to the Eurocrats.

“Let my people go” he proclaimed, “or I shall unleash upon you such fury that has not been seen since the seven plagues of Egypt! I shall veto your budget, disrupt your proceedings and appoint Sir Nigel of Widdecombe as our ambassador to your ruling Commission – and the excrement shall surely hit the fan most mightily! There shall be no more Mr Nice Bojo…”

(… to be continued)

Bojo and the great dismissal

The Westmonster Chronicles – part 7…
And it came to pass that Bojo didst get mightily pissed off with the Senate and did walk into the chamber and proclaim “In the name of God – go!”

And the Chair of the Chamber, Berk the Unconscionable, did protest most loudly. And the accolites of Magic Grandpa did call “Shame on you” as they were led away. And Bojo was pleased for the while.

And so Dame Jo the Swindler did gather her rather small herd together and did say “Expel the Bojo and make me your leader and I will pledge to remain in the evil empire. And should the people not approve then they shall be ignored for I know what is best for them.”

And Magic Grandpa did call his colaborators and said unto them “Make me your leader and I shall ask the people once more what they want and shall give them the choice to remain in the Empire or not leave, even though I agree with them not and may reconsider tomorrow.” But Grandpa was not popular with his flock and they didst openly dissent, which dischuffed him unto his knickers.

But then the League of Traitors did hit on a new plan. “We sball ask the judges to proclaim that Bojo has exceeded his powers and recall the Senators to the chamber” and they did succeed and call upon Bojo to resign.

But Bojo wouldst do no such thing for rather wouldst he lie dead in a ditch than betray his people…

(to be continued…)

Bojo and the Rebel Alliance

The Westmonster Chronicles – part 6…


And so it came to pass that the great trap of Phillip Yellowhammer to thwart the EuroCrat Exodus was sprung. The quislings did vote down Sir Bojo saying “You will go to King Juncker and beg his to let us remain, for if you do not so then we shall rise up and imprison you in the dungeons!”

And Bojo said “Fuck you ! I’ll shall go the people and ask them to cast you all out and elect a new senate for you are defying the will of the people.” But the traitors were prepared and did form wider alliances with the Queen of Scots, the Changelings and the Liberal Dumbos and did deny him the chance to go to the people.

And Magic Grandpa didst call them together the quislings once more. “We shall band together to defeat the Bojo and none shall stand in our way! For I shall go to the people and ask them whether they want to leave the Eurocrats Empire or remain, but this time I shall put forward a deal which ensures that should we leave then we shall leave in name only, and Bojo shall be defeated! We shall have power over the people once more and will raise their taxes to build ourselves great palaces, for we are the rightful rulers and I shall lead you once more to greatness!!”

But the quislings didst not trust Magic Grandpa for he had been calling for the great reckoning for many moons and was now wanting to delay it until a time of his choosing, for he wast nought but a big girls blouse. And Dame Jo the Swindler declared that Magic Grandpa should not be the leader. And they knew that the people did not want him either.

And Bojo was not amused. “For I wouldst rather lie dead in a ditch than betray my people” he didst say. And the people loved him ‘though the quislings didst not.

But the quisling trap had been enshrined in law and should Bojo defy it then he would be cast into prison, for the law may be an ass, but ’twas still the law.

“I will find a way for my people to be free” he said.

(to be continued…)