Mystic Mavis and Magic Grandpa – part 2

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And so it came to pass that Mystic Mavis did go to the Eurocrats and consort with King Drunker. “The people are revolting. mighty King” she did say. “They refuse to accept your kind and generous offer in return for pretending to be free!”

And the King was not amused. He put down his glass of wine, belched and said unto her “Your people have always been revolting, but you are fucking useless, Mavis. Go back and tell them they must obey or there will be a plague on all their houses and an outbreak of super gonorrhoea!”

“But the people will not believe it” she replied. Give me more time.” “Very well, Mavis. You have until Halloween to persuade them or it will be the witching hour for you!!”

“Thank you, great King. But will we have to take part in the elections which I promised we will not be holding?” “Yes”, he replied” “And you must ensure that the people elect the people we want who will do our bidding.” And Mavis retreated home with a heavy heart to tell the people what they must do and who they must elect.

But the people were incensed and said a loud “Fuck you” to Mavis and elected Sir Nigel instead. Even Magic Grandpa was rejected and did soil his pants mightily. So Magic Grandpa came up with a new strategy. “We will ask the people again and campaign that they do the right thing and vote to stay in the Eurokingdom”

And the Ides of March did come to haunt Mavis and force her to fall on her sword telling the people that it was all their fault and that her advisors and supporters would not do what was required.

So Magic Grandpa retreated into his bunker, feeding his invisible pink unicorn and counting the branches on his magic money tree while Mavis’ entourage fought amongst themselves to replace her. And two leaders did emerge, Sir Bojo and Huntmeister Jeremy. They would tell the Eurocrats to go fuck themselves, but would they be allowed to do so? And which would succeed her? Time would soon tell.

Meanwhile Mavis was bitter and angry and plotted ways to confound her challengers using Project Smear to discredit them. And the people did grow angrier and angrier while Sir Nigel grew happier and happier at their disarray…

(…to be continued)

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Our next PM

Tory.jpg.galleryIt’s the big question of the moment – who will make the least worse PM to replace the worst PM since Snotgobbler Brown? Will it be the Blonde or the Bland?

Sad to say that I have come to the conclusion that the Conservative Party is incapable of running a piss up in a brewery. They can’t even run their own internal leadership election, so what hope is there of them running the country?

First there is the fiasco that they can’t even issue the ballot papers properly. I was tempted to return both of mine but then thought better of it on principle. They’ve no idea who they sent multiple ballots to but they did write and ask. Anyhow, I returned mine two days before, according to the Tories, they have even been sent out.

Then there’s the incessant begging letters. Along with my ballot paper came yet another. Just tick the box to make a contribution to keep Corbyn out of number 10. £25, £50, £100, £250, £500, £2500. FFS! £2500!?! Who the fuck are they kidding? And exactly how will this money defeat Corbyn…

Then there’s the leadership hustings. There are two on the 13th I applied for weeks ago. Until today I had no idea where in my region they were being held. Security doncha know? Turns out the Colchester one is being held near Maldon. That’s a 75 minute drive each way for me. I decided to register my displeasure by leaving my seat empty as a protest.

They did ask for questions that we might like to ask the candidates, presumably so they can censor out the ones that they don’t like and make sure the blonde and the bland have their answers ready. What a farce. I did think of submitting something reasonable and then when called upon to read it, ask something completely different, i never was very sporting when it comes to politics. I like to play them at their own game.

But the piece de resistance came today in the latest missive from Branden Useless Lewis the party Charlatan – sorry, Chairman. Damned autocorrect! It’s the candidates’ address for the hustings.

Quote Boris : “As recent polling shows, I am best placed to deliver a majority for the Conservatives at a General Election”

Quote Hunt : “Poll after poll shows I am the candidate who is best placed to beat Corbyn, attracting the voters we need to win.”

So there you have it. The polls prove conclusively that both candidates are the best. So I guess you do a Trump (no pun intended) and vote for one you dislike least. My vote has gone to Boris. He might turn out to be useless but he seems to be the least worst choice.

As for Hunt, I can best paraphrase a comment once made about Michael Howard – “There’s something of the shite about him”…

The Two Jerrys

Two Jerrys

Do you really want a couple of comedians running your country?

The Mass Debate

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Just finished watching the Brussels Broadcasting Corporation tory leadership debate which, I have to say went pretty much as I expected.

Faced with the usual leftie political bias one has come to expect from Auntie, poor old Boris was pretty much sidelined by adjudicator Emily Maitless other than when he was asked about muslim letterboxes, journalists imprisoned in Iran or tax cuts for the rich, all famously misquoted, misrepresented and on the whole totally irrelevant to the question being asked.

Wisely, Boris kept quiet whilst the others engaged in squabbling and brawling amongst themselves. All credit to him, even more so since every time he tried to make a positive point, Maitless talked over him and cut him off.

It was also unsurprising that the man who got the most airtime and was allowed to rant away to his hearts content was the guy on the end of the row who bore a surprising resemblance to Woody out of Toy Story. “Vote for me. Altogether now – You’ve got a friend in me!!

A most inedifying spectacle which did nothing to inspire confidence in our politicians or the media.

Rory Stewart, Prime Minister. More of the same. Son of May, but more of an arsehole than a mouthpiece.

God help us…

Rory Stewart

f413778b4025d5ab5c339626fbcf2e55--mick-jagger-streetHas anyone noticed the remarkable resemblance between Conservative hopeful Rory Stewart and Sir Mick Jagger?

One is polically naive and shamelessly self promoting with a massive ego and a face like a squashed vegetable. The other is a Rolling Stone.

Perhaps they are related? I think we should be told…