That Brussels dinner…


Proving that John Redwood really does have a sense of humour, I reproduce this from his website. It really does say it all about the EU’s attitude and makes some good points…

Prime Minister
It is a pleasure to be here with you today for dinner. I come to renew my friendly proposals about our future relationship. The UK wants a comprehensive and deep partnership with the EU. We will offer you tariff free access to our market with no new barriers. We will continue our substantial contribution to European security and intelligence. We will carry forward joint working on space , science, academic life and much else. We will continue our welcome for all EU citizens legally settled in the UK

Mr Juncker
Thank you for coming. I do hope you have brought your cheque book. You must understand that we cannot keep on meeting like this unless the UK pays the bills for the dinners and much else. The EU is getting cross with the UK for not being realistic, so I hope this evening we can make some progress on the divorce settlement.

Prime Minister
As I have made clear the UK will pay anything it owes, but you have to understand UK Ministers do not have powers to send money to the EU after we have left. We need to look at all the issues together including our future relationship.

Mr Juncker
I don’t think you understand. The UK has signed up to a soup course for future meals which is going to cost billions of pounds. Doubtless you want coffee, which does not come cheaply either. I have explained before to you that we decided to order drinks right through to the next decade, so that will be another big bill. The UK cant expect to get away without paying

Prime Minister
I can do without the soup course, and coffee late in the evening keeps me awake at night. In the UK we accept we have to pay all the time we remain in the EU but not after we have left. You should cancel the drinks for us for when we have gone and save some of your cash. As to this dinner I thought you had invited me, and I have had the cost and inconveneience of coming to you here in Brussels.

Mr Juncker
You British are so unreasonable. You cant just walk out and leave us short of cash. There is a big bill to pay.

Prime Minister
So how much is the bill, and what is the legal base for the items you want to charge

Mr Juncker
There’s no need to get legal with us. We want you to make a realistic offer. Its all about European solidarity, about setting the right tone for our future relationship. We dont have an itemised bill backed by a legal base.

Prime Minister
When we joined the EEC we did not get a discount or a payment to deal with all the spending commitments the others had decided on before we joined, so why would there be any bill for future spending after we left?

Mr Juncker
You agreed then to join on the terms available. That is different.

Prime Minister
Are you also saying that if a country left the EU now that gets money out, the EU would go on paying it after it had left?

Mr Juncker
There’s no point in getting clever wth the EU. The rest of the EU expects you to pay a large sum. I do hope you understand we cannot possibly talk about trade any time soon given the UKs stubborness.

Prime Minister
That is a pity, as it hugely in the EUs interest to have continued tariff free access to the UK market. We have to go ahead and plan for WTO tariffs on EU food and goods without sensible discussions.

Mr Juncker
The EU has other priorities.

Prime Minister
So the EU does not care about all its exporters to the UK?

Mr Juncker
The impact on the EU is containable

Prime Minister
May I suggest we talk about something else, like Iran, where we may agree and put out a statement on that?

Mr Juncker
That’s the best we can do

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eBay’s worthless feedback system


A guest post by Chas C…

I’ve been on eBay for about 12 years ever since I moved house and had a clear out. On the whole eBay buyers are OK, but once in a while you get a fucking idiot. For example, the cunt in Jockland who claimed the bracelet she bought wasn’t correctly described – it was – and didn’t fit her fat podgy wrist. Not her fault of course.

For example, the bloke who bought a book off me, failed to pay or answer emails and then sent me a string of abuse after I raised a non-payment dispute. My fault of course, not his for not paying after he’d had several reminders and an invoice!

Or the one I had the other day who bought a roman blind off me and then complained it was the wrong size because she didn’t read it properly and took the width as length and vice versa. My fault of course because I only stated the dimensions in bold type in two different places in the listing.

I got negative feedback from the last cunt with the blind so I try to leave her negative feedback. This seems reasonable to me as the error was entirely her fault. Guess what? eBay don’t allow sellers to leave negative feedback for buyers. Only positive feedback is allowed ffs!

So – no right of reply, no mechanism for removing inaccurate or malicious feedback comments, and no way to leave negative feedback for a crap buyer.

eBay, you are a bunch solid gold, grade A, greedy, intransigent, unhelpful, biased, up your own arse cunts. And some of your buyers are fucking illiterate, not my fault, rude, self fucking righteous arseholes.

There. I feel better now!

So they died in vain then…


Just once in a while I am appalled by the state of the nation – especially in regards to the ignorance and general stupidity of the average Brit. Such an occasion was earlier today when the results of a survey into World War II were published.

The study of 2,000 adults commissioned by TV’s History Channel found that despite 53 per cent claiming to be ‘fairly’ or ‘very’ knowledgeable about the second world war, 36 per cent are unaware Britain’s allies included France and the US.

One in twenty even believe we were on the same side as Germany, Italy and Japan.

More than a third have no idea that the Battle of Britain took place during World War Two, and despite its name, 43 per cent didn’t know it happened in British airspace.

Thirty-two per cent were also unaware Pearl Harbor took place in Hawaii, with one in fifty believing it happened in Britain.

Three in ten had no idea the Blitz was a World War Two event, while 32 per cent didn’t know VE Day marks ‘Victory in Europe’ at the end of war.

But despite being widely recognised as the battle that ended the second world war, more than six in ten couldn’t name 1944 as the year D-Day took place.

Others believe the Battle of the Somme, the Treaty of Versailles and even the sinking of the Titanic were events which took place during the second world war.

Around one in six were also left stumped by the dates of the second world war, which started in 1939 and ended in 1945.

In order to understand the present it is essential to understand the past. I despair at what is being taught to our children these days if they have no knowledge of the events of the 20th century. To suggest that Germany and Britain were on the same side is an act of such appalling ignorance as to beggar belief and to nullify the sacrifices of hundreds of thousands of our forefathers who fought to keep this country free of the tyranny of Nazi Germany and the ruthless dictatorship of Japan.

Of course the cynical amongst us might wonder whether such a propaganda victory and dumbing down of history could in any way be attributed to the political correctness that dictates we must not offend our friends in the EU – those same friends in Berlin that want to screw us for having the audacity to leave their sphere of influence; the Fourth Reich in all but name.

If a deep rumbling is heard across the country tonight, it will be thousands of betrayed soldiers, sailors and airmen turning in their graves.

We should be deeply ashamed…

The ‘C’ word…

I hate to have to mention it – especially as we have yet to even get as far as Halloween – but the dreaded Christmas is approaching.

The other day I was walking home from the theatre past one of our local hostelries that had a big sign outside saying “It’s never too early! Book your Christmas party now!” Then the local chip wrappings were pushed through the door containing several Christmas catalog inserts that went straight into the bin.

And to add insult to injury, I’m getting emails from grocery stores on a daily basis urging me to book my slot now for Christmas grocery deliveries.

October is, of course, the time of year when the books, DVDs and CDs all come out. You know, those compilation albums of artists like Elvis Presley put together to milk the back catalog for every penny it’s worth. And the endless stream of celeb autobiographies written by people about whom, frankly, you either couldn’t give a fuck or of whom you’ve never heard. And all because they’re the perfect gift for your ageing Mum and Dad – who hate them and sell them on eBay in January…

Anyhow, this year my mate Chas and I couldn’t see any reason not to jump on the bandwagon. For several years now we’ve been collaborating on the Dioclese Christmas Song and – guess what? – there’s enough for an alternative Christmas album just for people who fucking hate the festive season.

It’s guaranteed to offend absolutely everybody who loves Christmas music. Should sell like hot cakes. We uploaded it this morning so watch out for it on Amazon and iTunes etc or stream it on Spotify. Should appear during the coming week with any luck.

After all, everyone else cashes in, so why shouldn’t we?..

Guy Verhofstadt

So Brexit is a ‘waste of time’ according to Guy Verhofstadt. He demands – demands mind you – that Britain must pay for leaving the EU. Who the hell does does this gappy toothed Ken Dodd lookalike think he is?

Well, apparently, he’s the former Prime Minister of Belgium. Belgium FFS! I mean, really? Belgium?

Just watch this video because it tells you all you really need to know about Belgium, the Third Reich’s fast track route to France and now it seems the Fourth Reich’s fast track route to Britain.

Belgium. I mean, who cares?..