First Direct and Tesco Bank
A double cunting for the two fuckers that have wrecked the past week for me.
First Tesco Bank. I’ve been banking through them for the last 9 years but apparently this counts for two thirds of fuck all as they sent me a great big fuck off letter saying they’re closing all their current accounts by 1st November. They’re keeping their savings accounts going and I’ve got one of those too so if they insist on giving me the finger then guess what? You ain’t keeping my savings account you cheeky fuckers.
So now I look for a new current account. Step forward Martin Lewis who tells me that First Direct have excellent service credentials and are offering £100 as an incentive to switch to them. So I do. Then the fun starts.
First you have to download the fucking app which is an experience in itself. Then you have to set up telephone banking without which you can’t use the app. Now the security setup for the app and telephone banking are not the same. Different user names, passwords, security questions, the works. Fuck knows why. I can only assume it was written by an illiterate inconcontinet monkey because it’s so full of shit.
So I set up telephone banking and then try to initiate the app. Error code FD999T. I scan Google to find out what this is and why but nobody seems sure. So I have to ring their help line. After 45 minutes in the queue on a chargeable call listening to a repeated message telling me how busy they – we’re all fucking busy, mate – I get through to a helper. I get the standard answer. Delete the app and redownload it. Funny but after 30 years in the IT business I never thought of that dear. Oh dear. But I do it again anyway while the idiot – sorry. Helper – is still on the line. Oh look I say, error code HK1. Oh says the idiot. That’s not on my list. So they delete my profile and we start again. This time it works. Halle-fucking-luyah!
All is good. Then the app crashes. It won’t work at all. So I delete it and reload it. Guess what? It lost my digital access code that I need to be able to use the app. How do I fix this? You guessed it. Back on the telephone to the help line. 50 minutes later, another somewhat more helpful idiot who manages to salvage my setup for me.
Now I go away to set up the web based banking system. Oh for fuck sake! I have to use the app on my tablet to generate an access code to allow me to log in on my laptop. Apparently the digital key can only reside on a single device, in this case my tablet. Which fucking genius thought that was a good idea?
Then the last straw. I need a savings account in the same bank because of the way my wife and I split our money. Our dosh goes into the savings account and is paid unequally into the current account to pay the everyday bills. Simples. Only it isn’t.
First Direct let you open their products using the app. Except they don’t offer all of them and the one I want is one of them. I have to ring up to do this. But hang on, there’s a chat function on the app, so I try that. The reply? You’ll need to telephone us in order to set that up.
So having lost the will to live at this point, I decide that they can stick their bank where the sun don’t shine. I message them. “I want to close my account” “No problem. Consider it done. Have a nice day”
Interestingly they make no attempt to find out why or persuade me otherwise. The first thing they’ve managed to do effortlessly for me is close my account. I guess they want to keep their £100
Fine by me. The bribe isn’t worth the hassle so I’m off to give Barclays a try because I’m still forced to find another bank. Watch this space…