Lookalikes – Anne Boleyn

Boleyn _________________ Turner

Has anyone noticed the remarkable similarity between actress Jodie Turner-Smith and the late wife of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn?

No? Thought not.

Perhaps they are related? Channel 5 seem to think so…

(to the tune of the 7 drunken nights)
Sing along now –

“As I awoke this morning
As woke as woke could be
I opened up the paper
And guess what I could see
History is rewritten
The way it ought to be
But a black girl cast as Anne Boleyn
I never thought I’d see”

Not sure I believe the last two lines tho’…

A Christmas rant…

Why the blank picture? Well, wouldn’t want to miss out on cashing in the royalties by watching it for free would we? In case you’re wondering, it’s a link to the potential Christmas number one. Thanks to the wonders of internet streaming and cheap uploads, it’s a little number called “Boris Johnson is a fucking cunt” which, apart from anything else, is a crap piece of music.

I despair at the state of a nation when this load of steaming horse shit can be the Christmas number one. One can only assume that it’s been downloaded by the same brainless idiots that attend anti lockdown rallies, propagate anti-vaxxing on social media, and ignore any precautions that prevent people getting infected by covid.

Now you might well think that Boris is indeed a fucking cunt – but would you want the job? A year ago we were all watching the left wing Biased BBC and the Remoaners ganging up on him over Brexit. Then the Wuhan Bat Flu came along. Incidentally, nobody is ever going to convince me that this isn’t isn’t biological warfare. You might argue that many Chinese died from covid but I’ve been to China and I can assure you that the value of human life over there means very little. What’s a few hundred thousand dead Chinese when you can cripple the Western economies to your own advantage. And before you ask, no – I’m not into conspiracy theories!

Which brings us back to Brexit. Anyone who believes that thousands of lorries backed up at Dover is anything to do with covid is deluded. It’s Macron flexing his muscles over Brexit. Ironically it’s backfired as there’s a lot of EU drivers caught up in it who are not getting home for Christmas and are not amused by the diminutive froggie git. Macron is out of control. He’s blackmailing the EU over the trade deal to get his way on fishing. He’s not bright enough to realise he isn’t getting the fish and that under no deal, French fishing waters are going to get plundered by trawlers from Germany, Holland and Belgium. I don’t fancy his chances in the next election which is looming fast. Goodbye and good riddance.

Meanwhile the official Labour Party policy is that they have no policies. Is it me, or does Starmer look like he’s shit his pants every time I see him on the idiot box. There’s just something about his expression that seems to suggest a nasty smell under his nose. I watched him on the BBC the other day being interviewed. He sat there slagging off Boris. Three times he was asked what Labour’s plan was and what they would do in the circumstances. Every time he dodged the question by reverting to Boris bashing. Clearly he has no plan.

So Boris the Grinch is cancelling Christmas and the nasty UK is propagating the new virus strain to cut down Johnny Foreigner in droves. And according to Starmer all Boris does is react. Well, as I see it when a virus is at large it doesn’t take a break for Christmas and it does send you a note to say what it will do next. Starmer says Boris constantly changes his mind and does U turns. Well under the circumstances you need to react quickly which, obviously, will involve changing your plans at a moments notice. So exactly what’s the problem? And on the subject of us being to blame for the mutation, nobody seems to be pointing out that it was first detected in the Netherlands before spreading to the UK. You certainly won’t hear that on the BBC.

It all so much easier to blame Boris, but as I said earlier would YOU want the job? No. I thought not. Leave the poor bugger alone. He’s doing his best and i doubt anyone else could have done any better.

If “Boris Johnson is a Fucking Cunt” then remember the words of Dire Straits – “when you point that finger remember that there’s four more fingers pointing back at you”

It’s going to go mental after Christmas – but at least we won’t notice Brexit amongst the chaos. And remember that the people to blame are the public for spreading it by not doing what they are told. Times are hard. Fucking suck it up and live with it…

Cold turkey

No, not the sort that you end up eating endlessly after stuffing yourself stupid at Christmas, but the type that comes when you stop taking drugs – prescription or otherwise.

You might have noticed that I’ve not posted a lot recently and there’s been a good reason for this. Basically I’ve not been up to the job for quite some time due to problems with the old grey matter. About 18 months ago, I developed memory problems. “Oh Goody” I thought, “Alzheimers” but they sent me for some tests and decided that was not the problem.

Then came the panic attacks so they sent me off for an ECG but the heart specialist said “no”. Rather conveniently I had an episode whilst in the consulting room. So that was ruled out.

After that along came the memory blackouts. I could completely tune out for several seconds just as if my entire existence had gone into hibernation. It didn’t help that I was completely unaware of the switch. I was however aware that I could see things that weren’t there and not see things that were. It seemed that my brain had a snapshot of that scene already so it didn’t bother to reprocess it.

So now we I get sent off for a EEG and a MRI scan to see if I have a brain tumour. The good news is that I haven’t, so what the fuck is wrong with me as there doesn’t seem to be a diagnosis. Only one thing for it then – refer me to the shrinks.

After extensive interviews and countless psychometric tests which prove only that I have an IQ of above 130, they still don’t have a clue so I go through 6 months of therapy with a psychiatrist. This only proves what we have all known for years. Namely that I’m a bit loopy.

Anyhow, that helps a bit and then it’s back to the consultant head doctor who diagnoses that I’m clinically depressed – nothing to do with lockdowns as this is before it all kicked off – and sticks me on her favourite happy pill : sertroline.

Now for those of you unfamiliar with particular brand of medication, it interferes with the seratonin levels in your brain thus supposedly making you happy bright and gay (in the heterosexual sense of course). All is well at first until the nightmares and hallucinations set in when I decide enough is enough. Back to the quack and we’ll try a different one – citalopram which, apparently, has fewer side effects. In theory.

In practice it just has different side effects. To be fair, all this shit is actually doing me some good and for a few months it works fine. Then the fits and the uncontrollable muscle spasms start so I think “Fuck this. I’m jacking this lot in.” And now we get to the point of this rambling narrative…

It just isn’t that easy to get off this crap. I’m advised to take it slowly as just stopping isn’t a good idea, so I go on half dose. For about four days my body isn’t really my own. My legs jump about spasmodically throughout the day and go proper mental at night. In fact at night, my entire body goes mental – a bit like an epileptic fit but without the loss of consciousness bit. After a while this dies down to the odd jerking motion in my legs so, at least for now, I’m sticking on a half dose. Next week I’ll try dropping it altogether. My guess is there’ll be another 3 or 4 days of buggeration and limb jerking then, with a bit of luck, I’ll be off the bloody things altogether.

Then I can go back to being depressed again just in time for Christmas.

My reflection on this tale of woe is that if this is the experience I’ve had then what the hell is like for people going cold turkey from shit like heroin. It’s given me a whole new insight into sort of hell they must go through.

So my advise to anyone thinking about taking mind altering drugs is simple: don’t !

The 2020 Christmas song…

Yes, I know it’s only November but we’ve just thrown the country into another lockdown so I thought is might be a good idea to cheer everyone up with a jolly little ditty penned, as usual, by my good friend Chas C.

It’s an infectious little tune with some catchy lyrics that could go viral with the right exposure…

No more chuggers on the street
Don’t have to be nice to the people I meet
No more musak in the shops
No more crap on Top of the Pops
No more presents round the Christmas tree
Isolation really works for me
No party food on paper plates
Lock the door, let’s celebrate

‘cos it’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year I don’t have to go away
To avoid my relatives on Christmas day
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year it’ll be you and me
We even got away with Halloween

No more stepping round the mistletoe
Sending cards to people we don’t even know
No more enforced jollity
In places we don’t to be
Peace on earth
It works for me
Goodwill to men is such a fallacy
Put my feet up, crack a beer
The peace I craved has come this year

‘cos it’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No plastic Santa on the back of a lorry
Trying to part from my lolly
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
Santa isn’t coming here
Now that’s what I call Christmas cheer

Lock the door and douse the lights
I’m not going out tonight
If carol singers breach the rules
I’ll shop to the cops, the fools
Let’s stay safe, let’s stay home
Let’s lock up and sod ‘em all
If they’re knocking. We’re not in
They know where they can stick their begging tin

It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No more singing Auld Lang Syne
Sitting pretty, feeling fine
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No more plastic Christmas tree
On our own and feeling free
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year it’ll be you and me
Now that’s what I call Christmas cheer

Spanish getaways

I’ve been the whole world over
I’ve travelled far and wide
I’ve lounged around on beaches
I’ve camped on green hillsides
But there’s one thing that’s for certain
It’s the thing they try to hide

You think that they’d appreciate
I gave them hard earned dosh
They smile and they thank you
But it’s all a load of tosh
And I know what they’re thinking
And I don’t like it a lot

“Fuck off, fuck off! Please come again
You’ll see we treat you just the same
You think that you are welcome
But you’re really just a pain
We’ll see you back again next year
And fleece you just the same”

One star two star three star
Four star or even five
The only difference seems to be
The amount of shit they hide
They’ll treat you with indifference
And rob you just the same
And when your break is over
You’ll wonder why you came

I don’t know why I bother
It really seems a shame
The breaks I’m looking forward to
All turn out just the same
They’ll stick you in a tourist trap
And treat you like you’re crap
And beg you to come back again
To dish out more of that…