Category Archives: Small Town Man

Gobshite for England

A Smalltown Man post…

Here in Smalltown we’re very proud of our heritage. Oh, yes! Nobody is quite as proud of their heritage as us…

And that’s why we’re waging a campaign to unseat St George as the patron saint of England and replace him with our very own St Gobshite. So why do we feel so strongly about this? Well, the legend of Gobshite tells it’s own story.

Back in medieval times, Flatland was ruled over by the mighty King Flaxen of the Tiptonites who supressed the people with an iron hand whilst keeping the other for feeding his face and fondling the serving wenches. Gobshite, the rightful King of Flatland, raised an army to throw off the yoke of oppression. Around 823 – or just after breakfast – Gobshite’s army joined into battle with the Tiptonites, but despite superior numbers they reckoned without the state of the art weapon of the day, the mighty Tipton longbow – and they were put to flight.

King Gobshite having a really shit day...

King Gobshite having a really shit day…

Flaxen pursued Gobshite and captured him. He was unceremoniously tied to a tree and executed by Flaxen’s archers. Legend has it that Flaxen’s pet wolf, Eingar, stole Flaxen’s golden crown, placed it beside the martyred Gobshite’s body and stood vigil until his people retrieved the body and incarcerated it here in Smalltown.

So moved was Flaxen at this miracle that, after slaying and eating the wolf, he converted to Christianity, handed power back to the Flatlanders and retired to live a pious life of poverty in a simple mud hut in Northland where he remained until his dying day.

Gobshite was later canonised by Pope Pompous II around 1155 or just before lunch. Ironically Flaxen was posthumously awarded the Kings Award for services to Archery.

Clearly, the unbelievable story of St George and the nonexistent Dragon cannot be taken seriously so we believe that the rightful King Gobshite of Flatland, first King of England and Christian martyr must take it’s rightful place. Oh yes, we do!

And did I mention that we’re very proud of our heritage here in Smalltown?

It’s nice, is ice…

upthorpe-lodges-news-ice-rinkA Small Town Man post…

Christmas is a-coming and the geese are getting fat, but this year here in Smalltown we’re going to be missing one essential ingredient from the festive jollity – we’re not getting our ice rink! Oh dear!

What could have gone wrong? Every year we have an ice rink in the shopping centre, specially installed so that the local residents can enjoy the fun of watching other residents fall on their bums. It’s all a great laugh and such a jolly jape. Trouble is that it seems there’s no money for it this year – which is odd considering that our Smalltown Opportunities for Business head honcho, Mark Tyme, has spent the entire year telling us what a boom town we’re living in and how well off we are.

He commented “Unfortunately last year the weather was just too nice and the ice melted. Ticket sales were down and the company we used to set it all up went bust! We’ve found an alternative but they just want too much money! We expect to get it all sorted out for next year though!”

So in the meantime, the only ice we’ll be getting this Christmas will be in our G&T on Christmas morning.

We’re so lucky to live here…

Food and Drink

A Small Town Man post…

Here in Smalltown we’re very proud of our annual Food and Drink Festival which happens every August bank holiday – and this year is no exception. In fact, this year’s festival has been a rip roaring success story. Just like every year! Oh, yes!

Things don’t fail here because we Smalltowners just don’t permit it. This year, the festival was attended by 80,000 people and the guest chefs and the stall holders were exceptional, showcasing their skills to an ever appreciative audience of Smalltown foodophiles. We asked ‘Smalltown Opportunities for Business’ chief executive, Mark Time, how he felt it went this year.

The S.O.B. replied “It’s been a resounding success all round. The turnout has been exceptional and the weather has been kind to us as well. It just couldn’t have gone better.”

We’re so confident in the success of our annual food fest that the local paper could even have written it up in advance. It’s that predictable. In fact, that’s exactly what they did – because it doesn’t finish until tomorrow and tonight it’s pissing down with rain. But that doesn’t dampen our enthusiasm one little bit.

In Smalltown we just don’t allow facts to get in the way of good solid local reporting.

We’re so lucky to live here…

Foodie heaven!

maison_bleueA Small Town Man post…

Some wonderful news this week for people who love their food – and here in Smalltown we’re very very fond of our food indeed. Oh yes! We’re seriously gastronomic which is why we’re blessed with so many first class eateries. Pizza Express, Cafe Rouge, Carluchios, Weatherspoons, Ember Inns and many more. They’re all here and just waiting to titivate our pallets with their extra fine fare.

And we’re delighted that Smalltown has no less than three restaurants in the top 100 in the UK as voted in a recent survey. We’re so lucky to live here!

I recalled my visit to the one at the very top of the list. It was a truly unique experience. One I shall never forget. It’s the only restaurant I’ve ever been into where Mrs STM and I were asked to leave. Seems I committed the ultimate sin by complaining that my food was cold! Shurely not in such a high class nationally renown establishment.

We both ordered duck. It was cold so we sent it back. It came back on a warmer plate but still cold. We send it back again. The owner was not amused. Oh no! She explained in her charmingly Gallic way that “You order de duck pink, this is ‘ow eet comes. We do not apply so much ‘eat!” Mrs STM was intrigued to know how that explained the cold vegetables as well? We were shown the door.

Seems the reviewers who voted for this palace of the French art of food just have considerably lower standards than us. Oh dear!

Wot! The council tax is going up!?

9064429_384522cA Small Town Man post…

Nobody likes to have to pay more on their Council Tax. It’s not nice. Oh, no it isn’t! And here in Smalltown we’re always diligent in bringing our elected representatives to book when they suggest such a thing.

So last week, when they announced the unthinkable, questions were asked in the Council chamber by our top independent representative, Cllr David Thrifty. “How do you justify this outrageous increase” he demanded to know, “when you’ve held the bills down for the last three years with only a few unavoidable major cuts to front line services!?!”

Well, quite so! The debate raged for several days. The whole town was up in arms, and none more so than Cllr Thrifty.But it seems that there just no more money to be creamed off the top of the budget, so we’re just going to have to grin and bear it. How bad can it be?

Well, it’s an extra £3.42 a year for a band D property.