Category Archives: Small Town Man

Victims of our own success

A Smalltown Man post…

Ominous news this week to all of us who live in Smalltown and are so lucky to live here. It seems that according to the “Smalltown Free Press” (available weekly for only £1.50 from your independent local paper shop) we’re in danger of becoming a victim of our own success! Oh dear! What could possibly be wrong in this picture perfect jewel in the English crown?

Well, it seems young people are being priced out of the housing market because everybody wants to live here and it’s forcing up the prices. The Press says we’re in danger of becoming a London dormitory town. Kings Cross is, after all, only two hours away on the chugger line making your door to door commute to work a doddle at about 5 hours a day! How easy is that after all?

Because of this, we need more affordable housing so that single young people can have their very own three bedroom detached starter home. None of this nonsense of pooling resources with a partner, foregoing eating out and going down the pub with our mates, saving up for a deposit and settling for a one bedroom flat in a cheaper part of town like their parents and grandparents had to! Blimey! How twen-cen is that?

The increase in house prices has, of course, nothing to do with the lack of availability of housing because buy to let landlords are cashing in on the rental market. Nor is it due to the two adjacent USAF bases whose personnel are snapping up the local housing and paying through the nose with the mighty dollar. Oh no! Nothing to with that at all!

After all, the Americans are an enormous boost to our local economy! Well, certainly if you’re a buy to let landlord anyway.

God bless the United States of America! We’re so lucky not to live there…

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Festival time !

A Smalltown Man post…

Yes, it’s the August bank holiday and, amazingly, the sun is shining even in Smalltown! So it’s time for our annual summer festival. Never mind Notting Hill. Oh no! Our festival is far better than that.

Notting Hill might have street parties, exotic dancers, parades, floats, music and veritable bon homie oozing from every pore of it’s being but we’ve got something much better. Food and drink! The town centre is transformed into a sea of plastic chairs from which, using nothing more complex than a pair of high powered binoculars, you can watch a ‘celebrity’ chef cooking! How exciting is that? Wowza!

And if you don’t fancy playing ‘Guess the Name of the Chef’ then there’s a series of events happening all across town. There are vetted and approved buskers at strategic locations throughout Smalltown – don’t bother auditioning if you’re over 25! We support our talented young entertainers in Smalltown.

Then there’s the various games we’re sponsoring to keep you entertained. Games like ‘The Used Needle Hunt’, ‘Kick the Blind Mans Dog’. ‘Throw a Coin in the Beggars Hat’ and let’s not forget ‘Spot the Indigenous Englishman’. Yes, win a major prize – a luxury one night stay in a local hotel. The second prize is a two night stay!

Never let it be said that in Smalltown we don’t know how to hold a festival. Oh, no! And with all this excitement going on, there’s not a stabbing or serious assault in sight. Well, not many anyway…

From our communities correspondent, Upton Nogood

Gobshite for England

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A Smalltown Man post…

Here in Smalltown we’re very proud of our heritage. Oh, yes! Nobody is quite as proud of their heritage as us…

And that’s why we’re waging a campaign to unseat St George as the patron saint of England and replace him with our very own St Gobshite. So why do we feel so strongly about this? Well, the legend of Gobshite tells it’s own story.

Back in medieval times, Flatland was ruled over by the mighty King Flaxen of the Tiptonites who supressed the people with an iron hand whilst keeping the other for feeding his face and fondling the serving wenches. Gobshite, the rightful King of Flatland, raised an army to throw off the yoke of oppression. Around 823 – or just after breakfast – Gobshite’s army joined into battle with the Tiptonites, but despite superior numbers they reckoned without the state of the art weapon of the day, the mighty Tipton longbow – and they were put to flight.

King Gobshite having a really shit day...

King Gobshite having a really shit day…

Flaxen pursued Gobshite and captured him. He was unceremoniously tied to a tree and executed by Flaxen’s archers. Legend has it that Flaxen’s pet wolf, Eingar, stole Flaxen’s golden crown, placed it beside the martyred Gobshite’s body and stood vigil until his people retrieved the body and incarcerated it here in Smalltown.

So moved was Flaxen at this miracle that, after slaying and eating the wolf, he converted to Christianity, handed power back to the Flatlanders and retired to live a pious life of poverty in a simple mud hut in Northland where he remained until his dying day.

Gobshite was later canonised by Pope Pompous II around 1155 or just before lunch. Ironically Flaxen was posthumously awarded the Kings Award for services to Archery.

Clearly, the unbelievable story of St George and the nonexistent Dragon cannot be taken seriously so we believe that the rightful King Gobshite of Flatland, first King of England and Christian martyr must take it’s rightful place. Oh yes, we do!

And did I mention that we’re very proud of our heritage here in Smalltown?

It’s nice, is ice…

upthorpe-lodges-news-ice-rinkA Small Town Man post…

Christmas is a-coming and the geese are getting fat, but this year here in Smalltown we’re going to be missing one essential ingredient from the festive jollity – we’re not getting our ice rink! Oh dear!

What could have gone wrong? Every year we have an ice rink in the shopping centre, specially installed so that the local residents can enjoy the fun of watching other residents fall on their bums. It’s all a great laugh and such a jolly jape. Trouble is that it seems there’s no money for it this year – which is odd considering that our Smalltown Opportunities for Business head honcho, Mark Tyme, has spent the entire year telling us what a boom town we’re living in and how well off we are.

He commented “Unfortunately last year the weather was just too nice and the ice melted. Ticket sales were down and the company we used to set it all up went bust! We’ve found an alternative but they just want too much money! We expect to get it all sorted out for next year though!”

So in the meantime, the only ice we’ll be getting this Christmas will be in our G&T on Christmas morning.

We’re so lucky to live here…

Food and Drink

A Small Town Man post…
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Here in Smalltown we’re very proud of our annual Food and Drink Festival which happens every August bank holiday – and this year is no exception. In fact, this year’s festival has been a rip roaring success story. Just like every year! Oh, yes!

Things don’t fail here because we Smalltowners just don’t permit it. This year, the festival was attended by 80,000 people and the guest chefs and the stall holders were exceptional, showcasing their skills to an ever appreciative audience of Smalltown foodophiles. We asked ‘Smalltown Opportunities for Business’ chief executive, Mark Time, how he felt it went this year.

The S.O.B. replied “It’s been a resounding success all round. The turnout has been exceptional and the weather has been kind to us as well. It just couldn’t have gone better.”

We’re so confident in the success of our annual food fest that the local paper could even have written it up in advance. It’s that predictable. In fact, that’s exactly what they did – because it doesn’t finish until tomorrow and tonight it’s pissing down with rain. But that doesn’t dampen our enthusiasm one little bit.

In Smalltown we just don’t allow facts to get in the way of good solid local reporting.

We’re so lucky to live here…