Category Archives: humour

The 2020 Christmas song…

Yes, I know it’s only November but we’ve just thrown the country into another lockdown so I thought is might be a good idea to cheer everyone up with a jolly little ditty penned, as usual, by my good friend Chas C.

It’s an infectious little tune with some catchy lyrics that could go viral with the right exposure…

No more chuggers on the street
Don’t have to be nice to the people I meet
No more musak in the shops
No more crap on Top of the Pops
No more presents round the Christmas tree
Isolation really works for me
No party food on paper plates
Lock the door, let’s celebrate

‘cos it’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year I don’t have to go away
To avoid my relatives on Christmas day
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year it’ll be you and me
We even got away with Halloween

No more stepping round the mistletoe
Sending cards to people we don’t even know
No more enforced jollity
In places we don’t to be
Peace on earth
It works for me
Goodwill to men is such a fallacy
Put my feet up, crack a beer
The peace I craved has come this year

‘cos it’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No plastic Santa on the back of a lorry
Trying to part from my lolly
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
Santa isn’t coming here
Now that’s what I call Christmas cheer

Lock the door and douse the lights
I’m not going out tonight
If carol singers breach the rules
I’ll shop to the cops, the fools
Let’s stay safe, let’s stay home
Let’s lock up and sod ‘em all
If they’re knocking. We’re not in
They know where they can stick their begging tin

It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No more singing Auld Lang Syne
Sitting pretty, feeling fine
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
No more plastic Christmas tree
On our own and feeling free
It’s a Covid-19 Christmas
A covid Christmas time
This year it’ll be you and me
Now that’s what I call Christmas cheer

The Christmas Song 2019

Yes, it’s that time of year again where my Good friend Chas Crane and I get together to murder a favourite song, preferable festive but we can bend anything!

This year, we’ve decided to warp a bit of Aerosmith. Enjoy…

Also, it’s only fair to give the bugger a plug for his Christmas album, available on Spotify, iTunes, Amazon, Google Play and all the usual shit streaming sites…

cover 2019 xmas album.jpg

The 2017 Christmas Song

It’s a tradition that every year I get together with my Good friend Chas C and produce a Christmas song, so this year we’ve murdered “The Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues and Kirsty McColl.

Here it is in all it’s glory with a video by my good self…

DVD burning problems…

Upstairs in my study there’s a bookcase containing 28 books of photographs at 200 a time. There’s everything in there since 1984 and it’s all on paper!

So to free up the space, I’ve had a little project going to digitise it all and burn it onto indexed DVDs that we can watch on the telly. It’s been quite a long job and was going fine until this morning when the DVD drive on my MacBook Pro refused to burn any more disks, banging up an error message “Medium Error 0 x 73 0 x 03” so off I go on the interwebby thing to find out what the fuck to do about it.

Apparently, this is do with a dirty lens on the DVD burner and you just need to clean it. Not having a CD disc cleaner at hand, I tried another simple technique.

1. I squirted a liberal amount of Fairy Liquid into the CD insertion opening.

2. After gently rocking my MacBookPro back and forth I then blew a mouthful of fizzy bottled water through the CD slot using a straw.

3. Next I wrapped a bread knife with some toilet paper and jiggled the blade & toilet paper into the slot to soak up the water/detergent.

4. To finish off I used a hairdryer to blow hot air into the laptop and a long piece of wire to hook out the last bits of toilet paper.

Unfortunately I am not sure if it has resolved the problem or not, as the laptop has decided not to start up again. So much for Apple’s famous reliability…

Some humour for a change…

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he’s getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, “Jesus, what is the meaning of life?”

To which Jesus replies,”You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy.”

The man asks,”Jesus, why is life so hard?”

To which Jesus replies,”That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful.”

The man asks again,”How was the universe created?”

Jesus replies,”I’m sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I’m trying to mow your lawn.”