Brexit Negotiator in Chief…

The problem with this Brexit negotiation thing is that we’ve not got the right man in charge.

I’d like to offer my services and set out my stall as follows :

(1) We’re quite happy with WTO tariffs on the basis that we’ll make money out of it. Our currency is lower so even after applying the tariffs, our goods are cheaper while yours are more expensive.

(2) We’ve taken legal advice and owe you nothing so that’s what you’re getting. If you want to argue, we’ll withdraw our funds from the ECB

(3) We’ve got GCHQ so if you don’t want our intelligence, that’s fine. Your loss.

(4) Our people have the right to remain in the EU after 5 years residency, but we’re pulling out so yours get no such protection. Want to sign a deal or not?

(5) We’re not even going to consider discussing Gibraltar until the Spanish give Ceuta back to Morocco

(6) You want free movement? No. You can come here to work if you get a work visa. You want to live here, apply for a residency visa.

(7) The UK Supreme Court is the highest recognized court in the UK. The ECJ is irrelevant to us. We’ve left the EU.

(8) Common fisheries policy no longer applies. We’ve left the EU. Get your trawlers out of our waters.

(9) Refugees are supposed to stop in the first safe country, so we’re not letting any in. The EU border stops at Calais.

(10) You need to use the NHS while you’re in the UK? Fine. Bring a credit card and pay up front.

(11) Do you want Scotland? If so, tell them and then they can vote on it.

I understand the word ‘No’ and know how to use it and stick to it. Thatcher knew that as well.

I think I could do a pretty good job. I’ll even do it for no wages. Can’t say fairer than that, so how about it?...