Category Archives: wacky churches

You iz jokinz, innit?

Last week, I wrote a piece about the translation of the bible into Cornish which I reckoned to be a monumental fucking waste of time and effort. One of the comments I received was from a bloke called Frank who put me onto the LOLCat Bible. Cheers Frank…

Now, this is for real. Honest, I shit you not. If you don’t believe me, then just click on the picture above to go their web site.

There’s a group of what I can only consider to be be very odd people out there who have been involved in a project to translate the entire bible into LolCat, whatever the fuck that is. Here’s the opening verses of Genesis as a little taster :

Boreded Ceiling Cat makinkgz Urf n stuffs
1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.
4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.
5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.
7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.

You get the idea. Or maybe not? Anyway, they’ve been at this project for seven years already. Seven – fucking – years!

Why?

The Church of the Holy Madiba

Much has been written in the last few days comparing Nelson Mandela to Jesus Christ. Interestingly much has also been written in the same period debunking that idea and saying it is ridiculous to compare Nelson Mandela to Jesus Christ…

…but believe it or not there is a small but growing church in South Africa which calls itself ‘The Church of the Holy Madiba‘ which reckons that Nelson Mandela IS Jesus Christ and maintains that his life was the second coming. Honest. I’m not making this up.

They point out that his persecution and imprisonment can be compared to the scarification of Christ by the Romans and his passion sufferings.

They say that the old testament story of Moses leading the Isrealites away from the slavery of Egypt is a parallel to Mandela leading the South African blacks from the slavery and persecution by the Afrikaaners. They call it a holy prophesy.

I call it coincidence.

You can find enough similarities between any two things if you look hard enough. But here’s a thought : Maybe Mandela wasn’t the second coming, may Christ was the first Mandela – an ancient political freedom fighter who found himself deified when the people were searching for a saviour. Sounds plausible to me.

People can believe what they like in my book as long as they don’t persecute me for believing something different. Mutual respect and tolerance is basic as far as I am concerned. But I have to say that I’ll believe in the second coming when I see Mandela rise from his coffin half way through his state funeral later today.

Until then, I’ll just think these people are just plain overhyping things but if you want to believe otherwise then good luck to you.

Baha’i

The Bahá’í Faith is a monotheistic religion founded by Bahá’u’lláh in 19th-century Persia, emphasizing the spiritual unity of all humankind.

There are an estimated five to six million Bahá’ís around the world in more than 200 countries and territories.

In the Bahá’í Faith, religious history is seen to have unfolded through a series of divine messengers, each of whom established a religion that was suited to the needs of the time and the capacity of the people. These messengers have included Moses, Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, and others.

For Baha’is, the most recent messengers are the Báb and Bahá’u’lláh. In Bahá’í belief, each consecutive messenger prophesied of messengers to follow, and Bahá’u’lláh’s life and teachings fulfilled the end-time promises of previous scriptures. Humanity is understood to be in a process of collective evolution, and the need of the present time is for the gradual establishment of peace, justice and unity on a global scale.

Bahá’í teachings state that God is too great for humans to fully comprehend, or to create a complete and accurate image of, by themselves. Therefore, human understanding of God is achieved through his revelations via his Manifestations.

In the Bahá’í religion God is often referred to by titles and attributes (for example, the All-Powerful, or the All-Loving), and there is a substantial emphasis on monotheism; such doctrines as the Trinity are seen as compromising, if not contradicting, the Bahá’í view that God is single and has no equal.

Bahá’ís continue to be persecuted in Islamic countries, as Islamic leaders do not recognize the Bahá’í Faith as an independent religion, but rather as apostasy from Islam. The most severe persecutions have occurred in Iran, where over 200 Bahá’ís were executed between 1978 and 1998, and in Egypt. The rights of Bahá’ís have been restricted to greater or lesser extents in numerous other countries, including Afghanistan, Indonesia, Iraq, Morocco, and several countries in sub-Saharan Africa.

(You can find out much more on WikiPedia)

Scientology

Many people think that Scientologists like Tom Cruise are madder than a box full of frogs, but why are they any madder than anyone else who believes in any other religious order? Well, this could have something to do with it…

Scientology was ‘discovered’ by SF writer L.Ron Hubbard (You might think the ‘L’ stands for ‘Loony’, but read on). He founded the church in1954 when, tired of his failing attempts to make a fortune writing, he is claimed to have said to a friend “I’d like to start a religion. That’s where the money really is!” and “If a man wants to make a million dollars, he should start a religion” – so basically that’s what he did.

Now, at the risk of ruining the whole things, I’m going to risk bring divine death and destruction down on my head my explaining to you the secrets of Scientology that adherent have to pay shed loads of money to uncover : the theory of Xenu.

Xenu is only told to people who have ascended to the pinnacle of human development. Basically, people like Tom Cruise. People who have not achieved this state, could die by learning what I am about to tell you. So, as I you are reading this and I have not achieved Operating Theta Level, I must have survived the knowledge. So far, so good then.

Humans are made of clusters of spirits (thetans) who were banished to Earth 75 million years ago by an evil galactic emperor called Xenu who ruled over 26 stars and 76 planets, one of which was called Teegeeack (us). Xenu duped citizens into attending income tax inspections (evil things throughout the galaxy in my view). Here he drugged them and shipped them off to Teegeeack. They wore clothes remarkable like the ones we wear today and flew here in space planes that looked like DC-8 only without the propellors, obviously.

Through the process of ‘auditing’, the thetan, who has lived through many previous lives, can be purged of engrams and implants which are the accumulated detritus of our many previous lives and thus achieve the freed state known as Operating Thetan.

Hubbard apparently discovered this revelation by self auditing to uncover what he claimed to be suppressed memories of former existences. Allegedly he assisted himself in doing this by consuming vast quantities of alcohol and popping psychotropic substances.

The church now has 10 million members in 159 countries and over 6,000 churches which, as far as I can see, makes it a very large box of frogs indeed.

And with introductory sessions starting at around $750 and advanced session at anything up to ten grand a pop, there’s a lot of money in that box as well – so maybe that ‘L’ doesn’t stand for ‘looney’ after all?

And it all makes perfect sense when you remember that it was all set up by a failed science fiction writer.

Discordianism

Discordianism is a religion and parody religion based on the worship of Eris (also known as Discordia), the Greco-Roman goddess of chaos.

It was founded circa 1958–1959 after the publication of its (first) holy book the Principia Discordia, written by Malaclypse the Younger and Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst after a series of shared hallucinations at a bowling alley.

Discordianism is centered on the idea that both order and disorder are illusions imposed on the universe by the human nervous system, and that neither of these illusions of apparent order and disorder are any more accurate or objectively true than the other.

The sect of Discordianism founded by Malaclypse the Younger and Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst is known as the Paratheo-Anametamystikhood Of Eris Esoteric (POEE), a non-prophet irreligious disorganisation.

According to the Principia Discordia, POEE is “a tribe of philosophers, theologians, magicians, scientists, artists, clowns, and similar maniacs who are intrigued by Eris goddess of confusion and her doings.” Furthermore it states that “POEE subscribes to the Law Of Fives of Omar’s sect” and “POEE also recognizes the Holy 23.” Paratheo-Anametamystikhood can be taken to mean “equivalent deity, reversing beyond-mystique”. Loosely interpreted, it basically states that “all deities are equivalent, there is no great mystery about that”.
Episkoposes are the Overseers of sects of Discordianism, who have presumably created their own sect of Discordianism. They speak to Eris through the use of their pineal gland. It is said in the Principia Discordia that Eris says different things to each listener. She may even say radically different things to each Episkopos but, all of what she says is equally her word (even if it contradicts another iteration of her word)

The Pentabarf is the most fundamental of all Discordian catmas. (“Catma” is a general term for Discordian teachings, sayings, quotations, explanations, jokes and illustrations, as distinguished from Discordian “dogma”, which consists of certain specific passages from The Honest Book of Truth, cited in Principia.) It says as follows :

  1. There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm. 
  2. A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System. 
  3. A Discordian is required to, the first Friday after his illumination, Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Roman Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns). 
  4. A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub. 
  5. A Discordian is Prohibited from Believing What he reads.