The Westmonster Chronicles part 4…
And Sir Bojo rose to power on the evil populist vote. Power to the people! But the senators didn’t like it at all. Oh, no!
But this bothered Sir Bojo not as he sought to purge all the traitors and backstabbers from his inner circle and appointed special advisors like Dominic the Terrible to enforce his will. For an iron grip was to be needed if the people were to be freed from the evil Eurocrat Empire across the waters.
And Magic Grandpa was much peeved, seeing his chance to seize power slip away from him, so he did plot a coup against Sir Bojo. And Grandpa crept around the factions saying “Depose the Bojo and I will make all your dreams come true if you make me your leader. And I will only do so until we are tied back into the Evil Empire then I will step aside!”
But the leaders of the factions were not impressed and didst reply to Magic Grandpa with a might roar of “Fuck off! For we do not believe you!” Even those in Bojo’s circle who wanted to betray him were not moved for they knew that Grandpa could not be trusted.
And so Grandpa took to the road to spread his message of insurrection and rally his troops. “Make me your leader” he didst proclaim “and I will give you all the money you have ever wanted. For I have a magic money tree. I am a modern day Robin Hood and shall take from the rich to give to the poor. I shall transform our land for the many and not the few!”
And the people didst reply “Fuck off! For we have heard it all before and do not trust you!” And the troops did say “Fuck off! For you a shite leader and will lead us all into oblivion!”
And Grandpa descended into a deep depression for even his own people didst not believe him. “Fuck them all! They are all traitors to my cause!” he wailed. “I shall go and visit the King of Democratic Bongo Bongo Land where I know I will be loved and treated with the respect I deserve”
(…to be continued)
Today we are crowing about the wonderful Lib Dem resurgence in the Radnor by-election which is, basically, a load of bollocks. Why do I say this? Well, let’s look at the facts…
Firstly, in March 2019, Chris Davies the Conservative candidate pleaded guilty to two counts of fraud concerning Parliamentary expenses, and on 21 June was removed from office by a recall petition signed by 19% of the electorate in Radnor. So exactly which fucking genius in the Tory Party allowed him to stand again in the seat from which he was overwhelmingly ejected?
To answer that question, could it be that we have to look at the outgoing PM who never wanted to leave the EU in the first place, threw a General Election to wipe out her own majority and decided to reduce it further by deliberately allowing a disgraced candidate with absolutely no chance of winning to represent the party? Well, you well might think that. I couldn’t possibly comment…
Secondly, The Welsh Nats and the Greens decided not to field a candidate whilst the Brexit Party took votes away from the already stricken Tories. Davies faced the triple assault of a united Remain front, being deeply unwanted in the constituency, and the NFU mounting a concerned Project Fear in a rural community – albeit one that voted Leave in the 2016 referendum.
The bloke had no chance of winning and was set up by a Remain party pre-Bojo. A lamb to the slaughter if you’ll forgive the obvious rural Welsh pun.
So now we are faced with the gurning face of the hapless Swinson woman who, quite frankly I cannot wait to see taken down a peg or two in October – a woman so out of touch with reality she does well to find her own arse. What an absolute farce this has all been. You couldn’t make it up…
(The Westmonster Chronicles – part 3...)
And so Mavis did fall on her sword whilst many of her former backers did defect left and right to other factions. And she was forced from her palace into the blighted realms of the Backbench Wastes. But it was not her fault, for it never was.
Meanwhile, in the land of the Eurocrats, King Drunker was deposed in a coup by Queen Ursula the Liar of the Teutonics. And there was much muttering and dissent from Drunkers senators, none of which mattered for Queen was honourably endorsed by a vote with but one option. But it was enough to quell the masses, for they mattered not either.
And in the fight back home, Sir Bojo did carry the day and was mightily popular with the people although plots against him were being hatched even as he ascended to power.
“For I am the Dude” he did declare. “and I will deliver my people to freedom from the evil empire or die trying. For this is my battle cry…
… LET MY PEOPLE GO!”
( to be continued..)
And so it came to pass that Mystic Mavis did go to the Eurocrats and consort with King Drunker. “The people are revolting. mighty King” she did say. “They refuse to accept your kind and generous offer in return for pretending to be free!”
And the King was not amused. He put down his glass of wine, belched and said unto her “Your people have always been revolting, but you are fucking useless, Mavis. Go back and tell them they must obey or there will be a plague on all their houses and an outbreak of super gonorrhoea!”
“But the people will not believe it” she replied. Give me more time.” “Very well, Mavis. You have until Halloween to persuade them or it will be the witching hour for you!!”
“Thank you, great King. But will we have to take part in the elections which I promised we will not be holding?” “Yes”, he replied” “And you must ensure that the people elect the people we want who will do our bidding.” And Mavis retreated home with a heavy heart to tell the people what they must do and who they must elect.
But the people were incensed and said a loud “Fuck you” to Mavis and elected Sir Nigel instead. Even Magic Grandpa was rejected and did soil his pants mightily. So Magic Grandpa came up with a new strategy. “We will ask the people again and campaign that they do the right thing and vote to stay in the Eurokingdom”
And the Ides of March did come to haunt Mavis and force her to fall on her sword telling the people that it was all their fault and that her advisors and supporters would not do what was required.
So Magic Grandpa retreated into his bunker, feeding his invisible pink unicorn and counting the branches on his magic money tree while Mavis’ entourage fought amongst themselves to replace her. And two leaders did emerge, Sir Bojo and Huntmeister Jeremy. They would tell the Eurocrats to go fuck themselves, but would they be allowed to do so? And which would succeed her? Time would soon tell.
Meanwhile Mavis was bitter and angry and plotted ways to confound her challengers using Project Smear to discredit them. And the people did grow angrier and angrier while Sir Nigel grew happier and happier at their disarray…
(…to be continued)
Just finished watching the Brussels Broadcasting Corporation tory leadership debate which, I have to say went pretty much as I expected.
Faced with the usual leftie political bias one has come to expect from Auntie, poor old Boris was pretty much sidelined by adjudicator Emily Maitless other than when he was asked about muslim letterboxes, journalists imprisoned in Iran or tax cuts for the rich, all famously misquoted, misrepresented and on the whole totally irrelevant to the question being asked.
Wisely, Boris kept quiet whilst the others engaged in squabbling and brawling amongst themselves. All credit to him, even more so since every time he tried to make a positive point, Maitless talked over him and cut him off.
It was also unsurprising that the man who got the most airtime and was allowed to rant away to his hearts content was the guy on the end of the row who bore a surprising resemblance to Woody out of Toy Story. “Vote for me. Altogether now – You’ve got a friend in me!!”
A most inedifying spectacle which did nothing to inspire confidence in our politicians or the media.
Rory Stewart, Prime Minister. More of the same. Son of May, but more of an arsehole than a mouthpiece.
God help us…