Category Archives: manifestoImage
In the interests of not being biased in this forth coming
cuntfest General Election, I feel I add to my round up of the party manifestos.
Accordingly, I have read the manifesto of the Communist Party of Great Britain. To be fair to the reds, it’s a lot easier to read than most of the other parties because, at 22 pages, it’s a lot shorter.
Here’s the main points they want to put forward to attract your vote on May 7th :
- Leave the European Union which it claims gives power to big business – presumably rather than the Communist Party?
- Leave NATO, which it says is the “greatest threat to world peace” – apart from our friends and allies in Russia of course…
- Abolish the tax-haven status of some 28 British overseas territories and dependencies – including the Channel Islands which last time I looked wasn’t part of the UK
- Tax the rich and big corporations – redistribution of wealth, the old socialist cry to end any incentive to do well on the basis that if you earn more then they’ll take it off you.
- Take control of Britain’s economy “for sustainable development” – bit vague that one?
- Public services for all – mass nationalisation of just about everything!
- Wage war on poverty and the cost of living – also a bit vague
- Real equality for women – ‘real’? How about equality for men as well?
- Fight racism and fascism – but not communist dictatorships presumably
- Extend democratic rights in a progressive, federal Britain – so abolish the monarchy and install the chairman of the Communist Party – works well in other countries, doesn’t it?
- Independent foreign policy for Britain – as long as we do what Moscow tells us?
Just to prove you can’t keep a good man down (did I say ‘good’?) here’s a review of the manifesto for Arthur Scargill’s Socialist Labour Party.
It’s actually rather predictable coming from a man who, when nobody else wanted him – including the NUM – buggered off and started his own political party just to make sure that he didn’t drop out of the limelight.
I am reminded of Adolf Hitler sitting in his bunker in Berlin with the bombs dropping all around him moving his imaginary armies around his map of Europe. Totally deluded!
Here’s the main points of the SLP manifesto :
- Abolish public schools like Eton and Harrow – other than on the basis of pure ideological dogma I can’t see why we would bother?
- Leave the EU and save £170bn a year – can’t argue with that one!
- A tax on bank profits – sound familiar?
- Building 1,000,000 new homes – anything the other parties can promise, we can promise bigger!
- Nationalise all transport systems – sounds like the Green Party
- Scrap Trident – sounds like the SNP
- 90% top rate of tax on incomes over £300,000 – sounds like what Ed Balls would really like to do…
- £12 an hour minimum wage – anything the other parties can promise, we can promise bigger – again!
- Scrap nuclear power – so we can watch the lights go out all over Britain
- Integrated energy policy, based on a publicly-owned deep mine coal industry along with forms of renewable energy – and bugger global warming and greenhouse gasses!
- All faith schools abolished because they are a breeding ground for prejudice and intolerance – like the intolerance of the SLP for public schools?
Well, it looks like the nightmare scenario is moving a step closer to reality with the launch of the SNP manifesto.
What struck me most of all as I watched the Scottish cuntfest unravelling was the power of Nicola Sturgeon as a public speaker. The woman can deliver, I will give her that. She’s a natural born rabble rouser.
But then I noticed the similarity to another famous public speaker who know how to hold a crowd in the palm of his hand. Nicola Sturgeon – a female version of Adolf Hitler in a kilt…
So what are the SNP proposing?
- Spending increase of 0.5% a year, enabling £140bn extra investment – clearly the SNP, like Labour, haven’t realised that you can’t spend your way out of a recession nor can you reduce debt by putting it on your credit card!
- Annual UK target of 100,000 affordable homes – which is a lot less than the other parties and, frankly, more sensible than Clegg’s 10 new garden cities
- Increase in minimum wage to £8.70 by 2020 – seems reasonable?
- Restore the 50p top income tax rate for those earning more than £150,000 – which I see as a dig at the Conservatives and a fop to Labour
- Build an alliance against the renewal of Trident – which although it sounds sensible would put an awful lot of Scottish shipbuilders out of work
- Retain the triple lock on pensions and protect the winter fuel allowance – sensible
- Abolition of non-dom status – another fop to Labour
- A tax on bankers’ bonuses – ditto
- Mansion tax – ditto
- £24b to be spent on the NHS – Whoa! Where did that figure come from and where will you get the money?
- Oppose withdrawal from the EU – well at least they didn’t say oppose a referendum.
- Sensible immigration policies – er… what exactly might those be?
- Full fiscal responsibility for Scotland – tax raising powers and all that goes with it makes it effectively a separate country by the back door, doesn’t it?
- An end to Tory rule – I wonder why they put that one in. It reminded me a bit of when Hitler blamed everything on the jews and brings me back to my earlier comparison.
After a week of Party Manifesto launches, we felt that we couldn’t really leave out what promises to be the most sensible party of them all – the Official Monster Raving Looney Party.
Now to be fair to the Loonies, I’m a bit biased as I used to now Dave Sutch way back when and I know from following the man who was the longest serving party leader in the UK at the time of his death, that several Looney policies have actually come to pass since they were first proposed. Not all of them obviously, as the Abolition of Gravity Bill never actually made it through the house or we’d all have floated away by now…
So what have the Loonies got to offer in their 2015 manifesto? Here’s a summary :
- Air bags will be fitted to the Stock Exchange immediately, ready for the next crash.
- Britain will exit Europe and join the Duchy of Cornwall to benefit from tax exemptions.
- Capital Punishment will be opposed on the grounds that it is unfair to Londoners.
- Data will be secured, placed in a brown bag and hidden in the PM’s socks and pants drawer.
- Education. All University Tuition fees for women would be free as we are strong believers in female intuition. (Due to gender equality laws we would include males as well)
- Frivolous Fraud Office setup to inspect fraud too silly for the Serious Fraud Office.
- Greyhound racing will be banned to prevent the country going to the dogs.
- Half the grey squirrels will be painted red to increase the red squirrel population.
- Innocent prisoners will be released in order to reduce prison overcrowding.
- Jobseekers will be made to stand two abreast in order to halve dole queues.
- Kids will be made to sit closer together on smaller desks in to reduce school class sizes.
- London Marathon free to anyone finishing in sub-2 hours wearing large clown’s shoes.
- Mega carwash will be created by punching holes in the roof of the Channel Tunnel.
- National debt will be cleared by putting it all on our credit card.
- Pensioners will qualify for a Summer Ice Lolly Allowance if temperatures exceed 70 degrees.
- Puddles deeper than 3 inches will be marked by a yellow plastic duck.
- Quitters will be encouraged not to start in the first place to improve their self esteem.
- Regulations concerning car boot sales will be relaxed to permit selling of all car parts.
- Stamp duty will be cancelled as stamps are expensive enough without having to pay duty.
- Terrorists will be made to wear Bells and Horns so we know where they are.
- Unruly teenagers will be superglued together as if you can’t beat them, join them.
- Vehicles will be fitted with bungy ropes in order to save fuel on the return journey.
- Wind farms will be created nationwide, where breaking wind will be encouraged.
- X-Ray machines will be manned by a skeleton staff.
- Yellow lines will be painted where you can park instead of where you can’t to save money.
- Zebra crossings will be made permissible to all animals wishing to cross the road
- Always try and read the opposing political person’s mind. Never wait until the other person (or country) explains itself.If that fails, try the Ouija board.
- Judge before you are judged.
- Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt.
- Always jump to conclusions.
- Never seek any outside assistance.
- What you say is what you mean, even if that isn’t so.
- Change your mind randomly and without notice.
- Always treat the other side like they were mentally deficient if not criminally insane.
- Impute evil intentions to every act of the other.
- When all else fails, do not respond at all.
- There are two possible meanings to everything, if in doubt, explain that they took it the wrong way.
- Launch a public relations campaign disputing your opponent.
- Predict dire economic consequences, and ignore the cost benefits.
- Find and pay a respected scientists to argue persuasively against incumbent government environmental policies.
- Use non-peer reviewed scientific publications or industry-funded scientists who don’t publish original peer-reviewed scientific work to support your point of view on matters of public health and environment.
- Trumpet discredited scientific studies and myths supporting your points of view as scientific fact.
- Point to the substantial scientific uncertainty, and the certainty of economic loss if immediate action is taken with respect to problems.
- Use data from a local area to support your views, and ignore the global evidence.
- Disparage scientists, saying they are playing up uncertain predictions of doom in order to get research funding when encountering global warming issues.
- Complain that it is unfair to require regulatory action in Britain, as it would put the nation at an economic disadvantage.
- Claim that more research is needed before action should be taken on things to do with public Health and Safety.
For a full list of candidates, click [here]
Vote Looney. You know it makes sense!