Category Archives: FFS!

Sleeping Beauty

Personally, I love a good story. In fact there’s nothing quite like a fairy tale with a happy ending to instil the spirit of the festive season.

Unless, of course, you’re a kill joy and total arsehole like Sarah Hall from North Shields who rather stupidly claims that Sleeping Beauty sends an ‘inappropriate sexual’ message to young children and insists that her school bans it. She says the story is irresponsible because it teaches children it is acceptable to kiss women while they are asleep. Apparently it’s all about sexual behaviour and consent. It’s just not appropriate in these enlightened times.

I expect the next victim will be Cinderella with it’s inappropriate sexual stereotyping and gender roles. FFS!

Anyhow, you might be interested in the original version of the story as written by Giambattista Basile in the 17th century, entitled “Sun, Moon, and Talia”:

Talia, the daughter of a lord, falls into a deep slumber after pricking her finger on a magical splinter. The lord cannot bear the thought of burying his beloved daughter and decides to leave her to rest in one of his estates.

One day a king is led into the estate and is enchanted by Talia’s beauty. He tries to wake her, but after failing to do so, he carries her to a bed and has sex with her while she sleeps.

The king then leaves Talia, who falls pregnant and gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl, all while still asleep.

She only awakes when one of her children mistakenly sucks the magical splinter out of her finger.

I think it’s important to maintain the historical accuracy of these old stories, so I can’t wait for the panto season…

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eBay’s worthless feedback system


A guest post by Chas C…

I’ve been on eBay for about 12 years ever since I moved house and had a clear out. On the whole eBay buyers are OK, but once in a while you get a fucking idiot. For example, the cunt in Jockland who claimed the bracelet she bought wasn’t correctly described – it was – and didn’t fit her fat podgy wrist. Not her fault of course.

For example, the bloke who bought a book off me, failed to pay or answer emails and then sent me a string of abuse after I raised a non-payment dispute. My fault of course, not his for not paying after he’d had several reminders and an invoice!

Or the one I had the other day who bought a roman blind off me and then complained it was the wrong size because she didn’t read it properly and took the width as length and vice versa. My fault of course because I only stated the dimensions in bold type in two different places in the listing.

I got negative feedback from the last cunt with the blind so I try to leave her negative feedback. This seems reasonable to me as the error was entirely her fault. Guess what? eBay don’t allow sellers to leave negative feedback for buyers. Only positive feedback is allowed ffs!

So – no right of reply, no mechanism for removing inaccurate or malicious feedback comments, and no way to leave negative feedback for a crap buyer.

eBay, you are a bunch solid gold, grade A, greedy, intransigent, unhelpful, biased, up your own arse cunts. And some of your buyers are fucking illiterate, not my fault, rude, self fucking righteous arseholes.

There. I feel better now!

How fucking stupid can you get?


It never ceases to amaze me just how stupid some people can be!

Earlier today, some jidahi bastard planted a bomb on a District Line tube train. Thankfully these days even the jihadis are so dumb they can’t build proper bombs, so we were spared total carnage when it failed to detonate properly.

So there I am watching the BBC news and they’re showing some video footage shot by some moron on his mobile phone through the train window of the part exploded bomb burning inside the carriage. Never for one second does it occur to the thick bastard that he’s filming a burning unexploded bomb up close which could easily detonate any second.

But that’s not the end of it as some even more stupid cunt is filmed walking in front of him and pressing her nose against the window for a better view.

Clearly, these are two candidates for the Darwin Award who need to be eradicated from the gene pool and never allowed to reproduce. If this is representative of what the human race has become in the 21st century then clearly humanity is doomed and, frankly, doesn’t deserve to survive…

Eulogies


Sorry but I can’t stand it any longer! Not quite sure where the straw was that broke the camel’s back, but I think it might well have been the late Glen Campbell being described as “the greatest voice of his generation” FFS!

Have you noticed that these days everyone is a complete non-entity until they die. I thnk it might have started the Diana thing. ‘England’s rose, queen of hearts’. Personally I never thought much of the woman although I must admit that old jug ears did treat her appallingly. On the Monday after her demise, one of the women in the office failed to turn up to work because she was so upset at Dear Di’s Death (Great name for a band come to think of it!).

Since then we’ve been quick to talk up every bloody dead cunt under the sun. Lennon was a great visionary – no he fucking wasn’t. He was up his own arse, full of his own importance and high as a kite most of the time.

Amy Winehouse. Made one fucking album. Just as well because if she’d made a second one then people might have worked out that, frankly, she wasn’t that good.

And what about David Bowie? Apparently he was the best of his generation, a visionary, a prophet and could walk on fucking water. Actually I do sort of admire the way he cynically videod his own death just to promote his last great work which, incidentally, was also not very good.

And only today they were eulogising Mo Farrah and Ushain Bolt. “Athletics will never be the same again. We will never see their like return to the track!” Well, actually, yes we fucking will. All they did was run about quickly. Anyone can do it. You just put one foot in front of the other as quickly as possible. Next time there’s the borefest on TV that is atletics, you will see exactly their like again and, frankly, if we don’t then who would really give a fuck? Not me, thats for sure!

To put this in perspective, I recall a chap I worked with back in the bad old days. He was the most obnoxious, snidy, back stabbing son of a bitch you could ever hope to come across. A real nasty piece of work. One day – ironically whilst tearing one of his staff a new arsehole – he had a massive heart attack and dropped dead across his desk. Kid you not.

The next day someone asked me if I’d heard about ‘poor old Bob’. “Yes” says I. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer bloke”.

The someone was appalled and told me that I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead. “Why not?” I replied. “The bloke was a complete cunt. The only difference is that he’s a completely dead cunt!”

Eulogising the mediocre has become a national trait in this country long overdue for a good stamping out…

Trolls and glove puppets


Those of you who read my ramblings with any regularity will know that I have attracted the attentions of my very own internet troll called Rickie aka Dickie Doubleday aka many other names – including mine!

I’ve been ignoring the little shit for some time. He will tell you that’s because he’s warned me that there will be ‘consequences’ if I ever mention him online anywhere and that this will lead the the impending doom that is ‘the finale’ something which I fear as much as Cardinal Fang fetching the comfy chair.

Anyhow, I ignore him not because I’m intimidated by him but because it seems to drive him nuts that I ignore him! So why am I writing this now?

The answer is that dear Rickie likes to talk to himself when nobody else will talk to him, so he pretends to be me so we can have imaginary confrontations. He’s hijacked a blog that’s been dormant since 2012 that belongs to a blogger I used to read called The Ranting Penguin. Under the top post, he’s posted a couple of thousand comments and directed people to read ‘his blog’ all over the internet.

The comments mainly complain about a blog called ISAC where I was an editor until the end of last year. There’s an article on there with the background. He became such a nuisance that he was blocked and his address – given to me by a group of several bloggers he’d harassed over the years – was published.

To cut a long story short, Rickie has posted on there continually attacking me and threatening me. He’s posted lies, filth and general abuse on there using my name. Over the last few days he’s also been on a forum called ‘Cunts Corner’ as Upton Man and as me. It’s been confirmed that these two have the same ip address so it just has to be him.

For the record, I am not Upton Man and I have never posted anything on the Corner. Apart from when I confirm my post by cross posting it elsewhere, I have not contributed to the crap on The Penguin. To emphasise the point my publically known gmail address was used. I never post comments under that address and I changed the gravatar associated with it to a red box with FAKE written in it which, to anyone but a half wit like Rickie, would give people a bit of a clue as to the validity of what was being posted.

I ignore Rickie which, unfortunately, just makes him madder. I’m writing this so that people whose blogs he’s contaminated using my name know it isn’t me.

I’m also trying to make bloggers aware that if you’re not going to use your blog any more, it would be a good idea to shut it down or at least time limit your comments otherwise twats like Rickie can openly abuse it.

As Rickie says, nothing on The Penguin can be removed except by the owner. Unfortunately for him, he seems to have forgotten that this cuts both ways.

So there. I’ve ignored your threat and mentioned you again. Now go screw yourself Rickie there’s a good boy…