A Smalltown Man post…
Ominous news this week to all of us who live in Smalltown and are so lucky to live here. It seems that according to the “Smalltown Free Press” (available weekly for only £1.50 from your independent local paper shop) we’re in danger of becoming a victim of our own success! Oh dear! What could possibly be wrong in this picture perfect jewel in the English crown?
Well, it seems young people are being priced out of the housing market because everybody wants to live here and it’s forcing up the prices. The Press says we’re in danger of becoming a London dormitory town. Kings Cross is, after all, only two hours away on the chugger line making your door to door commute to work a doddle at about 5 hours a day! How easy is that after all?
Because of this, we need more affordable housing so that single young people can have their very own three bedroom detached starter home. None of this nonsense of pooling resources with a partner, foregoing eating out and going down the pub with our mates, saving up for a deposit and settling for a one bedroom flat in a cheaper part of town like their parents and grandparents had to! Blimey! How twen-cen is that?
The increase in house prices has, of course, nothing to do with the lack of availability of housing because buy to let landlords are cashing in on the rental market. Nor is it due to the two adjacent USAF bases whose personnel are snapping up the local housing and paying through the nose with the mighty dollar. Oh no! Nothing to with that at all!
After all, the Americans are an enormous boost to our local economy! Well, certainly if you’re a buy to let landlord anyway.
God bless the United States of America! We’re so lucky not to live there…
A Small Town Man post…
Nobody likes to have to pay more on their Council Tax. It’s not nice. Oh, no it isn’t! And here in Smalltown we’re always diligent in bringing our elected representatives to book when they suggest such a thing.
So last week, when they announced the unthinkable, questions were asked in the Council chamber by our top independent representative, Cllr David Thrifty. “How do you justify this outrageous increase” he demanded to know, “when you’ve held the bills down for the last three years with only a few unavoidable major cuts to front line services!?!”
Well, quite so! The debate raged for several days. The whole town was up in arms, and none more so than Cllr Thrifty.But it seems that there just no more money to be creamed off the top of the budget, so we’re just going to have to grin and bear it. How bad can it be?
Well, it’s an extra £3.42 a year for a band D property.
A Small Town Man post…
Here in Smalltown we’re very big on being green – or even brown as it happens! Oh, yes. When it comes to recycling and what’s good for the environment we’re never forwards in going backwards.
Which is why we were quite upset when Smalltown council announced that it was going to do away with compostable waste collections and restrict our brown bins to garden waste only. And then we got really upset when they said that they were going to charge us £40 a year for a reduced service. Let’s face it, here in Smalltown we don’t like paying for anything we used to get for nothing. Or paying for anything at all really, if we’re honest.
But we digress. What are we supposed to do with the bins if we’re not going to pay the charges? We asked local councillor, Dusty Brown. He said “We are encouraging those that don’t take-up the subscription service to keep the brown bin. Experience from elsewhere has shown that people make alternative use of them or decide, perhaps at a later date, to opt for the convenience of a garden waste service. Clearly, we are seeking to avoid the cost to the council tax payer of collecting large numbers of bins, storing them and then re-delivering them”
In other words “Do what you like. We don’t care. We don’t want them. Your problem”
We asked whether we should take them to the local recycling centre? “Unfortunately the Household Waste Recycling Centres will not accept our bins at their sites.” Their sites? I though they were operated by the council? Never mind. Here’s another idea.
Why not cut up the brown bin and put it in the black bin? Surely that would work? Well, no – because we don’t actually own the bins. They belong to the council so we could be charged for destroying council property!
So one of our locals has come up with a brilliant idea. He’s written to the council saying that if they don’t remove their property from his land, he’s going to charge them £40 a year for storing it. Watch this space!!!
Personally, we reckon there’s going to be a lot of abandoned brown bins in the council car parks any day soon…
A Small Town Man post…
Here in Smalltown we’re never ever slow to tell people just how proud we are of our town! Oh, yes! Every honour that’s going is one we’re proud to grab a hold of.
So just imagine how proud we are to have been put forward for our very own customised Monopoly board!
This is, of course, a great honour and will do wonders to enhance the reputation of the town that we’re so lucky to live in. We’ve got our Cathedral, our shopping centre, all the best streets and squares all mapped out. We’ve got so much to offer, after all!
But hang on! There’s a problem! What are we going to put in the brown squares?!? These are the cheap properties, and here in Smalltown we’ve got nothing as common as Whitechapel or the Old Kent Road! Why, only last year we we’re recognised as having one of the top ten best residential streets in England. We just don’t do cheap and nasty in Smalltown!
So rest assured that when we’re picked to grace our very own Monopoly board, all the properties will be expensive, and we’ll all be good citizens and rush out to buy the game. They’ll sell out overnight!
But don’t despair! Give it a few months and you’ll be able to buy one in the local charity shop for a quid – or even for 99p postage free on eBay…
A Small Town Man post…
Here in Smalltown we’re very, very committed to our town and our community. Oh yes! In fact, we’re so in love with Smalltown that we’ve created our very own Facebook group “We All Love Smalltown”
It’s our own little online community. A place where like minded citizens of our wonderful town can come together and share the little things that make Smalltown so very, very special. After all, who could possibly fail to love this place. We’re so lucky to live here as all the comments on Facebook prove. Nobody has a bad word to say!
Except, that’s not actually that surprising – because in order to comment you have to be approved by the group administrator who will only let you join in if you are recommended by someone who’s already a member of the group.
Yes, here in Smalltown we’re very big on community and even bigger on free speech. Provided you agree with us that is…