Category Archives: bullshit

Sturgeon to resign!


Nicola Sturgeon seems to have pulled off a master stroke with her letter yesterday to Theresa May demanding – yes, actually demanding – that Scotland be given a second independence referendum. The Prime Minister is, however, having none of it.

The block buster letter reveals that should the Prime Minister not bow to her demands, then she will call a Scottish Parlimentary General Election on the single issue of an independent Scotland remaining in the EU after Brexit. Sturgeon says that if the vote does not give her a clear majority, then she will resign as First Minister.

It’s a bold move, but she seems to have completely missed the point that most Scots don’t want to leave the UK and the EU won’t allow Scotland to remain after the UK leaves as it isn’t a member.

Sturgeon says she has had secret talks with the EU and that they are prepared to let Scotland remain to punish the UK for leaving the club. She’s confident that she can carry a Scottish Parliament majority in an election and lead Scotland in to a bold new future as a subservient to Brussels instead of Westminster.

I’d like to see it happen because we might actually see the back of her at last…

Kindness


I was surprised to hear on the BBC Breakfast programme this morning that today is National Kindness Day. Why surprised? Well, it’s like this…

We already had National Kindness Day 2017 on 17th February. Did anyone notice? No. Thought not. Anyhow, according to Wikipedia – which as we all know is the definitive work for all things irrevocably truthful and accurate – we celebrate National Kindness Day every year on 31st March. Except we don’t. It’s in February.

Then again, I could be getting confused because I thought Kindness Day was on 13th November. That’s when the UN seems to think it is, and they should know. It’s their idea after all. Anyone notice that one? No. Thought not.

Seems that this year we’re having two. Or is that three? Anyhow, never mind because today’s the day that happens to coincide with the death of that paragon of selfless kindness, none other than Princess Di – or should that be Princess Dead?

Tessy Ojo, chief executive of the Diana Award (what else?), said: “It’s heartening to see that as a nation we’re kind and caring, but new statistics also highlight there’s much more we can do to make us even kinder. That’s why we’re kick-starting a campaign of kindness on National Kindness Day in memory of Princess Diana.” So shame it’s not actually National Kindness Day today. Did I mention that’s in February. Or was it November? I’m confused.

I’ve been very kind today as I always am. I held a door for someone to walk through. They ignored me. Then I stopped to let a old couple cross the road. They ignored me too. I pulled over to let a car come the other way. The driver ignored me. Then I stopped to let someone pull out of a side turning and guess what? Yes, they ignored me too.

So to hell with Kindness Day. I propose we launch ‘National Ill Mannered Cunt Day’ as that’s the way to seems to be panning out so far.

Still never mind. It’s also National Bunsen Burner Day today, and at least that will fit when I tell them where to shove it…

Happiness


Yes, today we should all be happy because the UN has decreed it. To me the fact that the UN even had the time to set up this shit demonstrates just what an ineffective talking shop it is…

Founded June 28, 2012 The International Day of Happiness Resolution 66/281 was the result of the effort of United Nations adviser Jayme Illien, who conceptualized the idea for a U.N. Resolution that would recognize the pursuit of happiness as a human right and a “fundamental human goal.”

Apparently the UN resolution marks a new historical milestone in humankind’s ultimate quest for happiness, which dates back to the time of ancient sages and philosophers such as Bhudda, Socrates, Confucius, Aristotle, Plato, Epicurus, Mencius, Abu Hamid al-Ghazali, and religious figures like Jesus, Abraham, Moses, and the prophet Muhammad – all of whom theorized about the purpose and meaning of life, the definition of happiness, and how to achieve it. Mind you, they all had fuck all else to do – a bit like the UN!

Well, here’s the Dioclese philosophy on happiness : you can’t enforce it and you can’t talk it up. Life is shit and you just have to get on with it.

And every time somebody says ‘happiness’ to me I think ‘Ken fucking Dodd’ and depression sets in immediately…

Gobshite for England

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A Smalltown Man post…

Here in Smalltown we’re very proud of our heritage. Oh, yes! Nobody is quite as proud of their heritage as us…

And that’s why we’re waging a campaign to unseat St George as the patron saint of England and replace him with our very own St Gobshite. So why do we feel so strongly about this? Well, the legend of Gobshite tells it’s own story.

Back in medieval times, Flatland was ruled over by the mighty King Flaxen of the Tiptonites who supressed the people with an iron hand whilst keeping the other for feeding his face and fondling the serving wenches. Gobshite, the rightful King of Flatland, raised an army to throw off the yoke of oppression. Around 823 – or just after breakfast – Gobshite’s army joined into battle with the Tiptonites, but despite superior numbers they reckoned without the state of the art weapon of the day, the mighty Tipton longbow – and they were put to flight.

King Gobshite having a really shit day...

King Gobshite having a really shit day…

Flaxen pursued Gobshite and captured him. He was unceremoniously tied to a tree and executed by Flaxen’s archers. Legend has it that Flaxen’s pet wolf, Eingar, stole Flaxen’s golden crown, placed it beside the martyred Gobshite’s body and stood vigil until his people retrieved the body and incarcerated it here in Smalltown.

So moved was Flaxen at this miracle that, after slaying and eating the wolf, he converted to Christianity, handed power back to the Flatlanders and retired to live a pious life of poverty in a simple mud hut in Northland where he remained until his dying day.

Gobshite was later canonised by Pope Pompous II around 1155 or just before lunch. Ironically Flaxen was posthumously awarded the Kings Award for services to Archery.

Clearly, the unbelievable story of St George and the nonexistent Dragon cannot be taken seriously so we believe that the rightful King Gobshite of Flatland, first King of England and Christian martyr must take it’s rightful place. Oh yes, we do!

And did I mention that we’re very proud of our heritage here in Smalltown?

Pontification

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What is it about so called ‘celebrities’ that they feel they have the right to talk down to the rest of the world as if they are some kind of degenerate mental pigmies? Why do they feel that they are so damned important and that only they know what is right and everybody else is just plain wrong? It makes me just plain angry…

We saw the latest example at the BAFTAs this week when has been, not very good film luvvie Ken Loach saw fit to proclaim that the “most vulnerable and poorest people are treated by this government with a callous brutality that is disgraceful. It’s a brutality that extends to keeping refugee children out that we promised to help. And that’s a disgrace too” he said.

Well, fuck you Ken because as far as I can recall you’ve not been opening up your unused bedrooms to house them so it’s alright for us to be inundated with with the flotsom and jetsom of the middle east just as long as you don’t have to have them anywhere near you.

And here’s some another gem from Loach : “In that real world it’s getting darker as we know. In the struggle that’s coming between the rich and the powerful, the wealth and the privilege, and the big corporations and the politicians that speak for them, on the one hand, and the rest of us on the other, the film makers know which side they are on.” Certainly do, Ken. You’re one of the rich and the powerful, the wealth and the privilege that’s speaking for us! Does this guy actually realise just how bloody stupid he sounds? I doubt it.

And, of course, arch luvvie Stephen Fry had to join in as well referring to President Trump’s furious description of Meryl Streep as “overrated” after she hit out at him during a Golden Globe speech, Fry said: “One of the greatest actresses of all time — only a blithering idiot would think otherwise — Meryl Streep. I would say underrated if I’m honest.” Well, you’re entitled to your opinion Mr Fry as I am mine. My opinion is that all three of you should stop abusing your platform to spout your political claptrap because, quite frankly, nobody really gives a flying fuck what you think!

And while we’re on the subject of two faced steaming hypocrite celebrities, what happened to all those ‘famous’ people who said they’d leave the country if we voted for Brexit? Still here, aren’t they! Just like all the other steaming hypocrite celebrities the other side of the Atlantic who said they’d leave if Trump became President.

Here’s a thought tho’ – maybe they all left after Brexit and came back after Trump? Just wondering…