Dear Mr President,
First of all let me congratulate you on your victory and thank you for the money you won me when I got 100/1 odds against you from the bookies six months ago. I shall raise a glass to you out of my winnings…
Now you are President, can I humbly request that you implement the following policies?
(1) Would you mind closing your air bases in East Anglia and defending freedom’s future in your own country? I’m really sick of being surrounded by houses rented to your airmen and being woken up at 5am when they go off to work.
(2) Can you please appoint Nigel Farage as the US Ambassador to the EU? They really need putting in their place and he’s just the bloke to do it. Otherwise, the EU could end up bigger than the US – and you don’t want that, do you?
(3) Could you have a chat with Liam Fox and David Davies and flesh out a trade deal so we can tell the EU where to stick their single market / free movement deal? After all, it’s just like building that great big Mexican wall but for us it’s the Europeans
(4) Could you please get your navy to sink a few little rubber boats in the Med and blockade the Libyan coast for us? I’m afraid we just don’t have the boats or the balls to do it ourselves.
It’s not much to ask really when you compare it to our politics this side of the pond. Oh, and if you could avoid starting World War III with the Russians as well, that’d be really nice.
Have a nice day,