Job seeking

The other day my good friend Flaxen Saxon wrote a piece about CVs and interview techniques and it occured to me that in my long and somewhat chequered years at the coal face I’ve probably worked for more companies and attended more interviews than most people have had hot dinners!

At a quick count I’ve held 9 permanent jobs (is there such a thing as a ‘permanent’job?). I’ve been fired twice by the same company, held two full time jobs simultaneously (I was trying to tell the boss I was leaving when he suspended me for attending the interview so I started the next day and drew two salaries for the next three weeks).

I’ve been made redundant 5 times. Each time I got at least three months money in lieu of notice. On one occasion I started at 09:00 and got made redundant at 09:40 with three months money in lieu of course!

Over the course of being a self employed consultant, I’ve seen the inside workings of no less than 37 different firms. But I digress! Here’s my expert tips on handling job interviews.

1. Don’t get hung up on the job description. I have never had a job that in reality bore any relation to the one I applied for.

2. Don’t feel you have to answer the question! One of my favourite responses is “I think you’ll find that self evident from my CV” because they won’t admit they haven’t read it…

3. Remember that interviews are two way. Do you really want to work for that tosser!?! If not, then close it down and leave. Try this one : “I’m sorry but I don’t want to waste any more of your time for a job I don’t want” or – and this is a personal favourite – “I’m afraid you don’t have the qualities I’m searching for in an employer.”

4. Always wear an expensive suit. It puts the interviewer right off his stride if you dress better than him! I’m lucky in that I went to a top public school so I aleays wear the old school tie. It boosts my confidence immeasurably knowing that I’m naturally superior!

5. Never ever ever come over as desperate!!!

6. And finally how to handle the old chestnut at the end. “Is there anything you’d like to ask us?” I usually reply “Yes. I have other interviews lined up so can you tell me what you can offer me to persuade me to come and work for you?”

Now you might think this is a load of old waffle and I’m just having a laugh, but it worked for me. All you need is the self confidence to pull it off.

I retired at the age of 52…


4 responses to “Job seeking

  1. Concur.

    Expensive suit, subtle tie (nothing garish), highly polished shoes – check
    Well groomed – check
    A truthful CV – check
    Look them in the eye – check
    Lots and lots of confidence and sheer chutzpah – check
    Works every time.

    Made redundant – 2
    Resigned – 2

    Still working at 58+ but that’s down to less than successful choices of female companions. (2)

    • Female companions? Hmm…..

      Wife 1 : “Get a job, get a job, get a job, get a job…”

      Wife 2 : Following a crap job offer – “Am I missing something or are we making more money temping than having a proper job” “Yes dear!” “Is it sustainable?” “Yes dear!” “Tell them to stuff their job then!”

      One company really pissed me off by asking the minimum salary I would accept, then sending me to London at my own expense to meet their MD and then offering me less than I’d said I’d accept because “it’s only a negotiating stance isn’t it?” “Er, no actually. I actually thought you were asking me a serious question so I gave you a serious answer. Thanks for wasting my time! Goodbye!”

      • Hmmmm, it wasn’t the job – I always had one of those.

        It was the female “partners” that were always much more problematical.
        Like most men who don’t understand women, it would appear that I really, really do not even remotely understand them.

        To the point that I have given up with them. Somehow life is easier that way.

        Oh well, sh1t ‘appens 🙂

  2. Here’s an email I received recently which may be helpful.
    Job Interview
    Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
    Applicant: Honesty.
    Interviewer: Honesty? I don’t think honesty is a weakness.
    Applicant: I don’t give a fuck what you think.