Why I STILL hate Christmas…

I have been prompted by my good friend Flaxen Saxon (seen above in festive repose) to reflect on the meaning of this jolly festive season.

This year I have triumphed over adversity by defeating the intentions of Mrs D to erect the festive tree! Only last year I managed to persuade her that £30 was a total waste of money for a real tree that dropped shit all over the lounge floor and oft developed a worrying lilt to the left which threatened to spew the contents of the water bucket it stood in, turning our living space into a small replica of a Cumbrian town. We purchased – God forbid! – an artificial tree…

So this year, there’s no tree at all. The grandchildren aren’t coming so they won’t be disappointed and I don’t have to faff about with the lights and baubles or climb up in to the loft to retrieve the bloody things! Next year I’m hoping we can cancel Christmas altogether.

It’s been rather quiet around here this week. The road is full of cars that park here while they bugger off to the station to catch the train to the airport for their two week all inclusive festive break in the Canaries. It’s rather nice because it means the cunts from M&S don’t get to park under my bedroom window at 5am every morning.

Also the season of good will 2015 doesn’t seem to have included drunken tarts and chavs rolling up the road on their way to the ale house. And there haven’t been any Christmas parties either. Thank God for austerity. Seems there’s something good to be said for it after all.

So, Christmas dinner on our own. We would have gone to the daughter’s but she doesn’t want us there. She reckons she wants a family Christmas with just the kids. We had the same idea, but the irony seems lost on her.

Roll on New Year! Same shit, different date.

Bah, humbug…

+ + + CORRECTION ! + + +
Mrs D wishes to point out that she never spend more than £5-10 on a tree because she waits until Christmas Eve when they’re desperate to sell them off! A couple of years back she got one from B&Q for a quid.

When we lived in a bloody great barn, she got 12 foot tall one for a tenner – and she got them to deliver it for free. It was their display tree and what else were they going to do with it.

I stand duly chastised for my poetic license!!! Arse!!!


28 responses to “Why I STILL hate Christmas…

  1. You are a pretty miserable old sod aren't you

  2. Especially when it comes to Christmas, yes…!

    And not so much of the 'old' if you please!

  3. Here is the xmas message from our chubby smokers champion that don't smoke Simon Clark (Taking Liberties).

    Fri 18 december: A rant about car smoking ban:…..he is against this ban coming into effect yet comes out with this classic gaffe.

    “Everyone agrees that second-hand smoke damages children’s health. And everyone agrees that we should all do everything in our power to prevent anything harming youngsters”.

    Its the same old shit time and time again…completely agreeing with the aims of the “smoking issue” but clinging on to an obscure point to argue about…..this time its cos of a car being a”private space”

    Simon the reason you mention being totally alone in your fight with the authorities except for another paid by the tobacco company loon John mallon is that you have nothing to offer smokers…no lobbying, no fuck all, just endless repeated silly naive arguments.

    Of course Claiming second hand smoke damages health like you do Simon is exactly the opposite to what smokerloonies believe..they reckon thats all lies yet you suck it all in as the truth.

    Loonies ignore you, smokers ignore you ,so you will be alone….Cunt.

    Regarding Xmas….I don't want to visit the next door but one neighbours tonight or see the sister in law and her husband this afternoon and go around the missus fathers tomorrow for dinner either…..at least you are alone Dioclese!…oh and those fuckers from the Lions club and the xmas float that gets smaller every year will do their annual door knocking challenge today which amounts to banging the door so loud the buggers 6 doors away know they are comings so the float don't stop and the collecters keep up with a moving vehicle.

    2015 ….Cunt of the year…Simon Clark.

    Runner up….Dick Puddlecote ( Internet stalking troll)


  4. I cancelled Christmas over twenty years ago. The stress disappeared like magic. Now I just watch everyone else scurrying around and getting worked up about it. As for the decorations; vile, tacky tat. Horrible.

    Anon's comment is typical of the hard-of-thinking response I get when I mention my reaction to Christmas. Just because we don't like the same things as everyone else, it does not mean that we are miserable. Far from it. We have different tastes. Enforced jollity is no jollity at all.

  5. Nicely put, Longrider.

    Unfortunately we have to think of the grandchildren as it's for them really. They soon grow up! But at least as they are not coming down here, we don't have to worry about the tat!

    Have a good rest, relax and sink a few! At least it's a non-news week!!!

  6. Ah! Christmas Chuggers – don'tcha just luv 'em?

    Have a good one whatever you're doing.

  7. “…..she waits until Christmas Eve when they're desperate to sell them off….”

    You know, 'they' are just trying to get a few bob to feed their kids. The night before christmas is precisely the time when one should pay the price these itinerant treemongers ask.
    Reminds me of the time I witnessed two filthy German backpackers haggling with a 10 +/- year old girl in India who was selling little bags of peanuts for 5 Rupees. They offered her 4.
    India is cheap! And when they cheat you? It's still cheap!
    And if you despise christmas so much, why do you lend it credence and respect by rendering the initial letter 'c' in majuscule?

  8. Because I can't be arsed to override the speel chucker!

  9. “……Anon's comment is typical of the hard-of-thinking response….”

    I read Anonymous 24 December 2015 at 08:47 as being funny; tongue placed firmly in cheek as it were.
    It makes me think, possibly, y'all read me the way Dioclese and your fair self, Longrider, read this Anonycunt.
    If you do, yins are cunts!

  10. Fair enough.
    Do you really mean it, that Flaxen Saxon is '(your) good friend'?
    You poor bastard.
    You poor sick bastard.

  11. It's a fairly typical of the unimaginative when faced with an atypical response. Heard it before. Too many times to count. If it was an attempt to be funny, it didn't work because it is so typical. A joke is amusing the first time. Eventually, it palls as this one has.

  12. And, no, I don't take you seriously. Had you sussed a long time ago.

  13. Couldn't agree more. For me Christmas consists of unhappy memories and heartache about what have been, wondering where someone is now, my ghastly sibling coming round for “lunch” with mum and dad, which is neither lunch nor dinner being always served late in some bizarre lid afternoon snooze fest when I would rather be out for a walk or at the gym or cutting my own head off with a chain saw rather than sit through that.

  14. don't take life too seriously Longrider

  15. I don't. You clearly missed that bit.

  16. Tis Christmas morn for us folk in New Zealand. All pressies put safely in cupboards….. Granddaughter had a great time opening her manifold parcels. Will spend the day on the deck, in the sun, with few cold ones annoying the dogs. Cheers everyone.

  17. Longrider? You say you had me 'sussed' a long time ago? If that is the case, where is the reciprocity? Why the fuck ain't you trying to make me laugh? I can't carry the whole comic load 'round here!

  18. There was a 'Santa' at the Mall this morning – 11:00 North America EST(New York time). That's about 03:00, 04:00 or 05:00 christmas morning in Australia and New Zealand. I asked him: “What are you doing at the Mall here in Pembroke, Ontario, Canada? I guess the entire continent of Australia and the island nation of New Zealand were naughty this year – freeing up time for you to entertain here at this hour.”
    Puzzled looks from him and his elf helpers.

  19. Fair enough, I reckon.
    Still, he smells of Kiwi droppings, how did you cope?

  20. Go on, admit it, you love the smell. Nuggetts of rustic rural shit, mixed with hay. Is there a more heady aroma? None that I can think of. As for Kiwi droppings- have you ever tried getting hold of that shit? Not easily accumulated, the Kiwi being rare, nocturnal,very shy and naturally constipated. Also tis a very crap bird, indeed.

  21. Shit, M, there is more than one Santa(s),otherwise it wouldn't fucking work, would it? Unless the rubicund, obese cunt found a worm hole; then it would work only too well. By the way, Elves, are limited in intellect and consequently always look puzzled.

  22. My humour is so dry, it's arid. 😉

  23. You didn't know about the wormhole?

  24. The pun is the lowest form of wit.
    And the bun is the lowest from of wheat.
    And only cunts use punctuation happy faces.

  25. I admit nowt!
    And Kiwis are tres cute.

  26. There is only one Santa.
    The problem with wormholes is they're filled with fucking worms.

  27. You missed sarcasm, the cheapest…