…the wonderful wizard of Aus!
And I’m back in one piece. As it turned out it was a remarkable cultural experience despite the fact that many of you most likely thought there was more culture in a pot of yoghurt.
Here’s some interesting things I’ve learnt about Australia :
(1) It’s fucking hot and there are flies everywhere. The aboes tell me there weren’t many flies until the Europeans invaded but they sure as hell have them now! The little buggers are everywhere. In the red centre they call them ‘black snow’. If you’re going there, here’s my top tip – get a head net!
(2) They call us ‘whinging poms’ but believe me when I tell you that nothing whinges like an Aussie.
(3) They took the English language and raped it – even worse than the Yanks! Every bloody word is abbreviated even if the abbreviation ends up longer than the original word. Want to learn the knack? Simples! Just chop it up and add ‘ie’ or ‘oh’ to the end. Tinnies, stubbies, aboes, savo, footie. My favourite was there word for ‘indigenous Australians’ as it apparently not PC to call them ‘aboes’ any more – so they call them ‘didgies’.
(4) The food is shite unless you want pizza or steak. In the hotel one night, the menu choice was steak, steak, steak, steak or pork. I think the pork was a misprint.
(5) Their TV and waistlines are more Yank than Yank. Ads every couple of minutes in between advertising features pretending to be news items. It’s like the Shopping Channel meets Good Morning Britain except that it’s all hosted by fat bastards. Hardly surprising as the portion sizes are huge and the doggy bag is king. In one state, they’ve banned the doggy bag because it was causing a food poisoning epidemic.
(6) In Darwin, there are more men than women so they drink a lot, swear and talk about sport. Eventually they find a women, bang her up, leave her with the sprog and go down the pub where they drink a lot, swear and talk about sport.
(7) If you’re in the Northern Territory, remember that ‘NT’ stands for ‘Not Today, Not Tomorrow, Not Tuesday, Not Thursday’ or just plain ‘No Time soon.’
All in all though, I had a pretty good time. Or should I say ‘Ripper, mate. She’ll be right. Hang a Hughie and we’ll defo cop a few tinnies from the bottle store this savo. Beaut!’