I’ve been to see the wizard…

…the wonderful wizard of Aus!

And I’m back in one piece. As it turned out it was a remarkable cultural experience despite the fact that many of you most likely thought there was more culture in a pot of yoghurt.

Here’s some interesting things I’ve learnt about Australia :

(1) It’s fucking hot and there are flies everywhere. The aboes tell me there weren’t many flies until the Europeans invaded but they sure as hell have them now! The little buggers are everywhere. In the red centre they call them ‘black snow’. If you’re going there, here’s my top tip – get a head net!

(2) They call us ‘whinging poms’ but believe me when I tell you that nothing whinges like an Aussie.

(3) They took the English language and raped it – even worse than the Yanks! Every bloody word is abbreviated even if the abbreviation ends up longer than the original word. Want to learn the knack? Simples! Just chop it up and add ‘ie’ or ‘oh’ to the end. Tinnies, stubbies, aboes, savo, footie. My favourite was there word for ‘indigenous Australians’ as it apparently not PC to call them ‘aboes’ any more – so they call them ‘didgies’.

(4) The food is shite unless you want pizza or steak. In the hotel one night, the menu choice was steak, steak, steak, steak or pork. I think the pork was a misprint.

(5) Their TV and waistlines are more Yank than Yank. Ads every couple of minutes in between advertising features pretending to be news items. It’s like the Shopping Channel meets Good Morning Britain except that it’s all hosted by fat bastards. Hardly surprising as the portion sizes are huge and the doggy bag is king. In one state, they’ve banned the doggy bag because it was causing a food poisoning epidemic.

(6) In Darwin, there are more men than women so they drink a lot, swear and talk about sport. Eventually they find a women, bang her up, leave her with the sprog and go down the pub where they drink a lot, swear and talk about sport.

(7) If you’re in the Northern Territory, remember that ‘NT’ stands for ‘Not Today, Not Tomorrow, Not Tuesday, Not Thursday’ or just plain ‘No Time soon.’

All in all though, I had a pretty good time. Or should I say ‘Ripper, mate. She’ll be right. Hang a Hughie and we’ll defo cop a few tinnies from the bottle store this savo. Beaut!’


5 responses to “I’ve been to see the wizard…

  1. Spent 10 weeks travelling around Oz a couple of years ago and agree with your comments about culture (Kath and Kim were the home team's version of Downtown Abbey!). A fairly insular people who lived in towns which shut down at 9pm, with only the major cities open till later. During my visit, I found only two concert halls, the Sydney Opera House and one in Brisbane, which didn't also advertise karaoke. The newspapers were larger versions of our local rags and only one national newspaper, The Australian, which was a bit like The Guardian without the laughs! The main bugbear was the main roads, or Highways. You have long, straight, dual carriageway disappearing into the distance but with speed limits of either 50 or 55mph, and a Police Force which hides behind bushes or in parked up horse boxes with their speed cameras, you end up with a long stream of cars, all travelling at the legal limit and with no one overtaking, and a completely empty outer lane. Even the road safety signs made me smile. You will come across a sign saying something like, “Tiredness kills. Pull over and have a nap NOW!” but then the next layby is 10 miles down the road. I wanted to go from Sydney to Uluru but the air fare was horrendous, plus I discovered it was cheaper to fly from Sydney to Perth (with a stop-over for fuel in Uluru, but I wouldn't have been able to leave the transit lounge!). Beautiful pristine beaches going down to deep blue seas, but if the flies didn't get you, the rip tides, saltwater crocodiles, or sharks will. Overall, I had a fabulous time and can't wait to go back, but spend more time on the Western side. By the way, did you know that Canberra is the only place in Australia where pornography and cannabis possession is legal? It's also where the political elite live and work. Funny that!

  2. I thought it was “whinging pome bastard, where the 'pome' is pronounced 'paw – mee'.

    I like number 4.

    What about the sheep shagging though, is that not still prevalent?

  3. Never saw a sheep all the time I was there. I think it's cattle country so maybe they shag them instead?

  4. Nice thing about the Northern Territory was that until recently there were no speed limits and even now they're pretty high. Petrol is about 60p a litre. Absolutely no traffic between Alice and Uluru. Deserted roads up to vanishing point…

  5. Not being of a pedantic view of persuasion, I always thought the Kiwis were the sheep shaggers, hereabouts. As for shagging cattle, that seems hard and involves stools and heavy restraints.