News today of mass suicides across Britain. “What could have caused this?” we ask.
Could it be the news of the destruction of Palmyra by IS, or maybe the threat by North Korean to engage in nuclear war, or even the thought that Jeremy Corbyn could become Leader of the Opposition? Maybe it’s some kind of mass religious cult thing?
Well, as it happens that last one’s not far off the truth. The cult of One Direction is to blame. The ‘band’ – so called although thy don’t actually play anything – have decided to take a year off. Not split up permanently mind you. Just take a break. Not the end of the world, you would think but apparently it is if you are a 1D fan. Various Twatter and Farcebook posts confirm the imminent death of their many fan who can’t live without them.
It leads me to reflect on my own tender youth and my generation. Where we really like this too or is it something new? I remember once attending a Stones concert in the Odeon, Plymouth – a venue which alone should tell you how long ago it was. I can honestly say I never heard a single note and my ears rang for three days from the girls’ screaming. Do they now do the same at 1D concerts? I don’t know because I’ve never been to one, but I can’t honestly imagine todays kids ripping up seats or dancing in the aisles or throwing their knickers onto the stage. Well, maybe that last one…
The Beatles, Stones, Kinks, Who and many others were real bands. Mates who went to school or college together, formed up and learnt their craft on the club and pub circuit. One Direction are different. They were manufactured by cynical manipulators and marketeers to cash in on the music business. Such ‘bands’ have a limited shelf life as they have nothing in common to keep them together other than the money machine. Can you hnestly se 1D headlining Glastonbury in 2046? I don’t blame them taking the money – good luck to them – but it devalues music.
My favourite anecdote about this lot is when they tried to get into a London club and were refused entry by the doorman because they were underdressed. “We’re One Direction!” they bleated. The doorman simply pointed down the road and replied “One Direction? Yep – it’s that way.”
One Direction are dead. Long live the next One Direction…