93 Men in a Boat [55] – The Farter

So there we are settling into our seats for a long flight to sunnier climes. I’ve got an aisle seat and there two empty seats to my left – so I wait patiently to see who turns up…

“Who will it be?” I wonder, looking forward to some convivial conversation with the nice, genteel person who’s about to settle in next to me. And then they arrive : a couple of the great unwashed accompanied by two bloody great rucksacks that I’m sure don’t qualify as hand baggage and should be in the hold.

Biffing me on the head as they lug their oversized bags into the overhead locker, they tread on my feet as they climb into their seats and then proceed to hog the shared armrest. It’s going to be a long ride.

They ignore me. I ignore them. Until, that is, a strange smell wafts towards me. The farter has started. I’ve got another three hours of this to endure and I reflect upon why it is I didn’t just pay the extra for that upgrade whilst the smell continues.

Christ, this guy could drop one at international level! It’s a shame there’s no farting in the olympics ‘cos this is definitely gold medal stuff!

I think about retaliating, then I think better of it. Why sink to his level? So I decide on the direct approach after about an hour and a half. What have a I got to lose? He’s not talking to me anyway and after we get where we’re going, I’ll probably never see him again…

“Excuse me, old son” I say. “There’s no delicate way to put this so I’ll just come out with it! Could you please refrain from farting for the rest of the trip?”

He looks at me mortally offended. “I’m not farting!” he protests indignantly.

“So what the hell is that smell, then!?!” I’m starting to lose it at this stage.

His girlfriend leans across. “Sorry” she says, “but you’re wrong. He’s not farted. That’s his trainers. They always smell like that…”


5 responses to “93 Men in a Boat [55] – The Farter

  1. That's why I refuse to travel, For me there's nothing I want to see, or anywhere I want to go, that warrants putting up with that kind of thing. If I can't get somewhere using my own transport then forget it, it's just not worth the hassle. I've had plenty enough grief using our wonderful public transport system in the past. The most infuriating thing I endured on several occasions was other people's obnoxious brats, bawling and screaming, and running up and down the aisles of trains and buses. Never been on a plane, I couldn't face all the airport bullshit.

    When I was much younger, I dreamed of owning my own sailing yacht, nothing very big or fancy, just enough for me to sail round the world. I feel I'm now far too old to contemplate it, I see dangers that just didn't occur to me back then – the folly of youth as they say.

  2. Brats are a definite problem Well, to be fair it's the parents not the kids that are to blame. They're a bloody nightmare on planes. That's why I fly business class on anything over about 4-5 hours.

    Their excuses are usually either 'you have to allow kids to express themselves' or 'he's got ADHD'

    My attitude? Behave or fuck the fuck off!

  3. My response would be, “Yes, well allow me to express myself” – THWACK!!!

  4. You are never too old to sail. If you are reasonably fit, and have learnt how to handle a boat, get sailing. Remember, it is the wind that does most of the work. Enjoy.

  5. Very true, but Mother Nature is a powerful force, and the seas and oceans can be dangerous places. It's well over 40 years since I last sailed a 12' dinghy, so I'd be starting from scratch again. I have seriously thought about having a go on inland waters. The only snag is I don't live anywhere near any, and, I'm not complaining, but funds are almost non existant. It was just a boyhood pipe-dream, a mere fantasy., but thanks for your kind thoughts.