Shitipedia : R is for Remote Car Starting

It is said that all pointless shite originates in America, the true home of empty headed thinking – and the guy who thought up remote car starting certainly proves the rule!

I thought this was a cultural thing. This is because at 5:30 every morning, the USAF bloke renting the house down my road leans out of his front door, points his bleeper and starts up his fucking clanky diesel gas guzzler underneath my bedroom window. As you might imagine this is a little irritating – so I thought I’d do some research…

It seems that you can now get one of these things that has an Android app for your phone to enable you to start the engine without even the pointy remote thing. In fact, you can do it from the comfort of your bed, or even someone else’s bed in the next street. Or even from a different continent FFS!

Now I understand that there may be an argument for one of these spawns of evil in the depths of winter when you want to start up the car and let the heater thaw out the windscreen, but why the fuck do you need one in August???

And apparently they’re offered on British cars now as well as imported Yankmobiles as a ‘value added feature’ (see under “V is for…”)

And the bastard things are breeding as more and more Yank airmen and women invade the properties down our street. There’s now at least four every morning firing up at around 05:20

The police had a word with one of them after I complained and informed him that leaving a vehicle unattended with the engine running on a public highway is an offence. Did it stop him? Did it fuck! Our laws don’t apply to the smiley faced arrogant bastards. Have a nice day, cunts…


10 responses to “Shitipedia : R is for Remote Car Starting

  1. How long will it be before some clever little twat works out how to start any car, anywhere, at any time, remotely? And then the complaints will start rolling in from brain-dead morons that their fuel tanks were empty when they got into their vehicle. Then of course the inevitable lawsuits will follow.

    Why the old bill does not charge those neighbours of yours is beyond me. It's anti-social behaviour surely? I know if I was doing it I'd soon have my collar felt. It's the same with these fucking scrap metal dealers who drive round in clapped out flat bed transits constantly sounding their horns – I thought that was supposed to be an offence – but not if you are plastered with tattoos and look as if you've just murdered your own parents apparently.

    Same load of old bollocks from the same old source. Driverless cars anyone? Solar highways?
    Y.A.N.K. – Yet Another Nefarious Knobhead.

  2. *DEEP SIGH* only Americans could dream up this techno useless shit!
    American hegemony knows no bounds does it. They really are the most arrogant race.
    No other country has “won” so much single handed (allegedly) whilst creating such pain and misery across the globe.

  3. XX that leaving a vehicle unattended with the engine running on a public highway is an offence. Did it stop him? Did it fuck! Our laws don't apply to the smiley faced arrogant bastards. XX

    “Quitting a motorvehichle.” And yes it DOES apply to them, unless they have “CD” plates!

  4. What should be illegal is serial hammer and drill DIY maniacs tackling yet another job before all the rest of the jobs they have started have been completed…..thank fuck the nutter with a boat and a landrover on chocks with 5 sheds who lives about 50 meters away is just far enough away so it dosen't bother me…I walk the dog past him most days watching him going beserk with a tool bag attached to his hips…..honestly nothing ever gets finished including a fucking abortion of a conservatory , the 5 sheds have been sort of joined togther like a Brazillian Favela shanty town.

    Anyway this car lark seems to be pissing you off….I can match your 5.30am with a 6.00am and 6.30am locals only car starting mularky and it dosen't bother me one bit.

    Its only frigging car engines purring away…and them Air bases are closing soon which could turn the local areas into ghost towns.

    Yanks aint all bad news


  5. Didn't smoking come from the land of the Yanks?

  6. We've got two bases. They're shutting one (the nearest) and moviing some of the personnel to the other. Unfortunately most of the cunts down our road work at the one furthest away. Way the fuck these idiots would chose to deliberately drive 40 minutes to work is beyond me…

    I'm waiting for the rental market to collapse. It'll shoo off the yanks and cripple the cunt who rent their houses to them to cash in on the boom. All bubbles burst eventually.

    Mainly the landlords are cunts with negative equity who rent them out to pay the mortgage on where they've moved to. Can't wait for interest rates to go up. That'll fucking sort 'em!

  7. If they start it on their own property then the law you are talking about isn't relevant. It's those leaving their cars running at 0530 while they pop in for the morning paper and fags while the temp is in the minus figures that get caught.

  8. @Eyesaqwnt, California are world leaders in preventing deaths from Smoking.

    I can see the day coming when my nearest Nato airbase will be in another Time zone, infact if they get rid of R.A.F Marham in Norfolk then it will be.

    I hope to go my first cruise later on in the year…I will choose a good photo of a Californian No smoking sign and have that as my avatar image..nothing booked yet but its an almost certainty.


  9. True – but these are in the street not in the drive

  10. Under similar circumstances, after a polite request was ignored, I found a large potato jammed into the end of the exhaust pipe worked wonders.