Scousers

In the light of recent Liverpudlian celebrations on the death of Margaret Thatcher and the somewhat topical case of a certain hand-biting footballer, I thought I’d get my own back with a little humour at their expense…

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the welfare officer.
“Ten” replies the Liverpool girl,
“Ten?” says the welfare worker. “What are their names?”
“Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the Liverpool girl, “It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout ‘Nathan yer dinner’s ready!’ or ‘Nathan go to bed now!’ and they all do it.
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the curious welfare worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Liverpool girl… “I just use their surnames”

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music – who is driving?
A. The policeman..
Q. What’s the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father’s day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn’t born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They’re staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He’s so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: ‘My God, it’s Jesus!’ Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he’s finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: ‘My God! The arthritis I’ve had for 30 years is gone. It’s a miracle!’
Jesus then shakes the Aussie’s hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man’s eyes widen in shock.
‘Strewth mate, the bad back I’ve had all my life is completely gone! It’s A Miracle.’
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, ‘Back off, mate, I’m on disability benefit.’

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said ‘Hi, I’m looking for a job’.
The man behind the counter replied ‘Your timing is amazing’.
We’ve just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year’.
The Scouser said ‘You’re bullshitting me!’ 
The man behind the counter said ‘Well you started it!’

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Ahhr…eh…Jimmy!

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4 responses to “Scousers

  1. Flaxen Saxon

    Why should them scousers get all shit? Apart from the obvious. Anyway, in the spirit of balance here are a few West Midland jokes.What do they call "Toys -R- Us" in Dudley ?Answer "Toys Am We" Noddy Holder goes into Beatties and says to one of the assistants, "I'm re-forming Slade, I want to buy some new stage clothes. I need a pair of flared trousers, a wide collar shirt, platform boots and a mirrored top hat."Kipper Tie?" asks the assistant"Oh thanks" says Noddy "2 sugars and milk please."A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11. Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects. The Brummie says to him, "There were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did.""Thanks, buddy," the fireman replies."You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie adds.."Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks."Birmingham," he replies."Birmingham? What state's that in?" asks the fireman.The Brummie looks around and replies, "Kin'ell about the same as this really…"

  2. Fidel Cuntstruck

    Heh :0)And continuing the Berminum thing:What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison? Yer can't wash yer'ands in a Buffalo

  3. What do you call a Scouser waering a suit? The accused!What do you call a Scouser not wearing a suit? Convicted!The new Fairy Liquid advert features a Salford family. The little kid says 'Mummy, mummy, why are your hands so soft?'She says – 'Cos I'm only f^^^ing twelve!'

  4. Excellent stuff. Now I'll just have to find a few more people to pick on…