Shitipedia: C is for Carbon offsetting

FFS, the planet is supposedly choking itself to death under a sea of carbon dioxide and green house gases, destroying the ozone layer, raising global temperatures and melting the ice caps. We’re all going to fucking die. Horribly. Slowly. It’s the end of the world.

But don’t worry, because the politicians have found an answer…

We don’t actually need to need to reduce the total level of greenhouse gases. We just need to trade our surplus gas quotas with other countries that don’t produce as much. This is good, because it makes countries like America and China think twice about the levels of pollution they are producing because it will cost them money.

Except it doesn’t, because to them it’s a cheap way upping their production which more than compensates in sales for the extra production costs.

And then, of course, there’s the pollution from air travel. This is truly evil stuff which thankfully can be offset by my agreeing to pay an extra £5 every time I fly on an airplane. This is a really great way to ease my conscience. The plane still chucks out the same amount of shite, but at least I’ve been taxed on it.

“Ah!” I hear you say. “You’re missing the point because we use that money to plant trees that help the planet breath, and that’s where the offsets come from!”

Except that indians in the Amazon rain forest chop the bastards down faster than we can plant them.

Brilliant! We’re all saved. Job done.

But then again, look on the bright side. C is also for… Cake – which means that at least while you choke to death or drown, you won’t go hungry.


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