Shitipedia: B is for Botox

What the hell is this craze for getting yourself injected with Bubonic fucking Plague for Chrissake? Has the whole world finally lost the plot?

Apparently, it makes you look young again. Well, it’s called botulism – and I’ve got news for you. It’s fucking lethal, you dumb bastards! Ok, now I get that it paralyses nerves and that it’s very useful when properly applied for the treatment of things like cerebral palsy and motor neurone syndrome. But here’s the news, folks : wrinkles are not a disease!

The craze started in California – where else? Some bright spark with a eye on the chance to make shed loads of money thought “Hang on a minute. If I inject this shit into gullible women with more money than sense, I can paralyse the muscles that are creating the wrinkles around their eyes. I’ll make a  fortune!” And, of course, he was right…

Botox is big business. Millions of women are injecting this poison on a regular basis. Even ones who don’t need it. Botox has replaced Tupperware as the home marketing party of choice.

And it’s not just the women. City types are getting it injected to kid everyone that they are taking the stress of 18 hour days in the trading room in their stride. After all, you need to exude confidence; look the part; look fresh even when you are dead on your feet.

And you can inject it into your armpits to stop you sweating. Or into your stomach to dampen hunger pains when dieting. The possibilities are endless.

And the side effects are minimal : inappropriate facial expression, such as drooping eyelid, double vision, uneven smile, or loss of the ability to close eyes. Apparently these wear off in about 6 weeks. Then there’s headaches, dysphagia, flu-like syndromes, blurred vision, dry mouth, fatigue, allergic reactions and swelling or redness at the injection site. Nothing to worry about really…

And on the other side of the coin, B is for ….  Biscuits. I love ’em and they’re better for killing hunger pangs than botox.

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