Scientology

Many people think that Scientologists like Tom Cruise are madder than a box full of frogs, but why are they any madder than anyone else who believes in any other religious order? Well, this could have something to do with it…

Scientology was ‘discovered’ by SF writer L.Ron Hubbard (You might think the ‘L’ stands for ‘Loony’, but read on). He founded the church in1954 when, tired of his failing attempts to make a fortune writing, he is claimed to have said to a friend “I’d like to start a religion. That’s where the money really is!” and “If a man wants to make a million dollars, he should start a religion” – so basically that’s what he did.

Now, at the risk of ruining the whole things, I’m going to risk bring divine death and destruction down on my head my explaining to you the secrets of Scientology that adherent have to pay shed loads of money to uncover : the theory of Xenu.

Xenu is only told to people who have ascended to the pinnacle of human development. Basically, people like Tom Cruise. People who have not achieved this state, could die by learning what I am about to tell you. So, as I you are reading this and I have not achieved Operating Theta Level, I must have survived the knowledge. So far, so good then.

Humans are made of clusters of spirits (thetans) who were banished to Earth 75 million years ago by an evil galactic emperor called Xenu who ruled over 26 stars and 76 planets, one of which was called Teegeeack (us). Xenu duped citizens into attending income tax inspections (evil things throughout the galaxy in my view). Here he drugged them and shipped them off to Teegeeack. They wore clothes remarkable like the ones we wear today and flew here in space planes that looked like DC-8 only without the propellors, obviously.

Through the process of ‘auditing’, the thetan, who has lived through many previous lives, can be purged of engrams and implants which are the accumulated detritus of our many previous lives and thus achieve the freed state known as Operating Thetan.

Hubbard apparently discovered this revelation by self auditing to uncover what he claimed to be suppressed memories of former existences. Allegedly he assisted himself in doing this by consuming vast quantities of alcohol and popping psychotropic substances.

The church now has 10 million members in 159 countries and over 6,000 churches which, as far as I can see, makes it a very large box of frogs indeed.

And with introductory sessions starting at around $750 and advanced session at anything up to ten grand a pop, there’s a lot of money in that box as well – so maybe that ‘L’ doesn’t stand for ‘looney’ after all?

And it all makes perfect sense when you remember that it was all set up by a failed science fiction writer.

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One response to “Scientology

  1. Sounds about right then. It seems all the modern prophets are very much rooted in the modern material world. What happened to the good old fashioned variety which eschewed mammon