Ashtacohenism is a quasi religious order founded in 1919 by John Edward Cohen which aims to save humanity by promising the horn of plenty to the masses.

The order started in Hackney, London. Cohen was concerned that ordinary people could not afford basic foodstuffs and acquired tea which he offered them at an affordable price in return for following him and his principals.

From humble beginnings, the cult has expanded into 14 countries across Asia, Europe and North America. It has over 440,000 full and part time disciples across the world and many millions of faithful followers. In the United States, a rival order called ‘Walmartia’ claims to follow the same principles and to have more adherents and rivalry between the two churches is rife!

Cohenism is based upon the ‘Gospel according to Re-tale’ which states that ‘Thou shalt supply everything to all peoples in all places’ and urges YCDBSOYA which stands for ‘you can’t do business sitting on your arse’. The church is unashamedly profit making and controlling, leading some people to claim that it is a brainwashing cult.

The church has at least one temple in every major town in the UK and has also set up smaller mission type chapels on street corners where it aims to make access more convenient for all the masses.

Adherents carry the church’s ID card – known as a club card – which entitles them to receive blessings from the church in return for their loyalty. The churches are open 24 hours a day, seven days a week except for Sundays when hours are restricted to allow time for reflection and worship.

The church continues to expand and is one of the fastest growing religions on the planet…


One response to “Ashtacohenism

  1. And as a bonus they offer rewards in this lifetime rather than having to wait until after it's over!