I admit it. I used to be a fat bastard…
Admittedly this was partly – only partly, mind you – because I busted my leg when I was in my teens and spent a couple of months in a hospital bed with my right leg in traction. The complete lack of activity coupled with incompetent diet management courtesy of the NHS and a bit of a liking for chocolate meant that I put on about three stone in six weeks.
I got so fat, so quick that I actually have stretch marks so I have sympathy for all you expectant mothers out there who are battling with them right now. Let me tell you, girls, that once you have them you will never get rid of them so forget all those expensive creams and just give up!
Anyway, I read today that there is going to be a cure for obesity. Scientists claim that they have invented a drug which could make you lose 10% to 20% in weeks! Apparently it uses the body’s immune system to break down fat cells. Apparently, the boffins were ‘amazed’ at the effect it had on animals and equally amazed that there appeared to be no side effects.
It’s been tried out on 10,000 mice and now they’re moving on to dogs – so if your fat bastard partner is a bit of a dog, why now get them to volunteer?
The drug is a modified version of somatastatin. Now, Mrs D has had some experience of statins for a suspected heart condition – which there NHS eventually decided was not a heart condition after all, but that’s an aside. She tried three different statins all of which gave her severe side effects, most notably muscle pain in her legs that was so bad that she decided to jack them in and have the heart attack instead. Forgive me then if I sound a little cynical about the ‘no side effects’ bit…
At the end of the day, if you eat shit to excess and take no exercise then you will end up as a fat bastard. The way to cure this is to eat decent food in reasonable portions, stop stuffing shit down your cake hole and get some bloody exercise.
On the other hand, you could get a dog. They have hearing dogs for the deaf, seeing dogs for the blind so why not eating dogs for fat bastards?