Colemanballs

I shamelessly nicked the headline from Private Eye. They nick my stuff, so I thought ‘Sod it!’…

Anyway, with this magnificent summer of sport before us – Euro 2012, Wimbledon, The Olympic Games – I thought it as a good time to reflect on the absolute drivel that commentators subject us to when we wish they would just shut the fuck up and let us watch in peace!

Here’s a few gems – all real, I promise…

First, the man himself :

  • That’s the fastest time ever run – but it’s not as fast as the world record
  • A truly international field, no Britons involved.
  • The Republic of China – back in the Olympic Games for the first time
  • And the line up for the final of the Women’s 400 metres hurdles includes three Russians, two East Germans, a Pole, a Swede and a Frenchman.
  • Ingrid Kristiansen then has smashed the world record, running the 5000 metres in 14:58.89. Truly amazing. Incidentally, this is a personal best for Ingrid Kristiansen.
  • And there’s no ‘I love you’ message because Steve Ovett has married the girl
  • We estimate, and this isn’t an estimation, that Greta Waitz is 80 seconds behind
  • He is accelerating all the time. That last lap was run in 64 seconds and the one before in 62.
  • He’s 31 this year. Last year he was 30

Here’s a few in honour of Euro 2012 :

  • He’s a player you only miss when he’s not playing – Graham Taylor
  • Fourth spot is what we are aiming for.  We don’t want to be second best. – Phil Neville
  • Gary Neville was the captain and now Ryan Giggs has taken on the mantelpiece – Rio Ferdinand
  • Football is like a roundabout. Sometimes you are up and sometimes you’re down – Radio 5 Live reporter
  • And now we have the formalities over, we’ll have the National Anthems. – Brian Moore
  • The last player to score a hat-trick in a cup final was Stan Mortenson. He even had a final named after him, the Matthews final. – Lawrie McMenemy
  • I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in. – Terry Venables
  • It slid away from his left boot which was poised with the trigger cocked. – Barry Davies
  • We have been saying this, both pre-season and before the season started. – Len Ashurst
  • But as you know, the result for City is not as bad as it sounds on paper. – Steve McIllwenn
  • Well actually we got the winner up there with three minutes to go, but then they equalised. – Ian McNail
  • Ian Rush, deadly ten times out of ten, but that wasn’t one of them. – Peter Jones 
  • It was a fair decision, the penalty, even though it was debatable whether it was inside or outside the box. – Bobby Charlton
  • Believe it or not, goals can change a game. – Mike Channon
  • Ian Rush unleashed his left foot and it hit the back of the net. – Mike England
  • You’ll be hoping that this run of injuries will stop earlier than it started. – Andrew Gidley
  • Ian Durant has grown both physically and metaphorically in the close season. – Jock Wallace
  • It will be a shame if either side lose, and that applies to both sides. – Jock Brown
  • Peter Shilton conceded five, you don’t get many of those to the dozen. – Des Lynam
  • Everything in our favour was against us – Danny Blanchflower
  • I think everyone in the stadium went home happy, except all those people in Rumania. – Ron Greenwood
  • Butcher goes forward as Ipswich throw their last trump card into the fire. – Byron Butler
  • John Lyall, very much a claret and blue man, from his stocking feet to his hair. – Peter Jones
  • Who ever wins today will win the championship no matter who wins – Denis Law

A few for the Olympics :

  • Britain’s last gold medal was a bronze in 1952 in Helsinki – Nigel Starmer-Smith
  • She hasn’t run faster than herself before – Zola Budd
  • The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind – Sebastian Coe

And finally, some miscellaneous classics :

  • For those of you watching who do not have television sets, live commentary is on Radio 2 – Ted Lowe (Snooker)
  • Steve is going for the pink ball – and for those of you who are watching in black and white, the pink is next to the green – Ted Lowe (Snooker)
  • Born in America. John returned to his native Japan – Mike Gratton
  • It’s raining and the track is wet! – Murray Walker (Grand Prix)

And in the words of Ian Dury : “Now that we’ve had some, let’s hope that there’s lots more to come…”

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One response to “Colemanballs

  1. Classic, I was cracking up. Generally speaking I don't particularly care about the Olympics, but I think I'll tune in a couple of times just to see what drivel may emerge!